Children are seriously overrated. They're selfish, expensive and smell really bad. Why commit yourself to a lifetime of debt and disrespect when you can have a lifetime of gooey, cheesy goodness?
Being that they're customized and made specially for you, personal pan pizzas fulfill your life in ways that kids cannot.
Here's why I'd rather be picking out toppings than picking out baby names.
1. You can have a personal pan pizza anytime you want.
Want to have a kid? Brace yourself, because it is a PROCESS.
First, you gotta find that special someone to have a baby with, which could take years. Then, you have to make several attempts to make the baby, which could also take years. Once you finally have a bun in the oven, you have to wait an additional nine months for it to pop out. What a drag.
Depending on where you're ordering it from, a personal pan pizza typically only takes 30 to 45 minutes to get from pizza parlor to your belly. It's so quick that you'll have so much more free time to get things done, like running errands or ordering more pizza.
2. Personal pan pizzas are light and compact.
Sure, babies are nice and small when they first come out, but in just a few weeks, they balloon in size and take up so much space. And because you'll be obligated to take care of this enormous creature at all times, you'll have to take it everywhere you go.
Why carry around something that is so loud and cumbersome when you can carry around the Mini Cooper of meals: the personal pan pizza.
PPPs can easily fit into a fashionable clutch or messenger bag. You know what you can't fit into a purse or tote? A HUMONGOUS CHILD.
In fact, when your “bundle of joy” gets too tired to walk, you'll have to roll him or her around in a clunky stroller that you'll have to lug up and down flights of stairs. That's basically inhumane torture.
3. You aren't stuck with a personal pan pizza for the rest of your life.
While personal pan pizzas are the food of the gods, they are also disposable. Too crusty? Throw it out. Too cheesy Leave it for your mozzarella-lovin' roommate. Too greasy? I'LL HAVE IT!
Things get more complicated when you have a kid you don't like. You can't throw them in the trash or leave them for your roommate to take care of. What you can do is put them up for adoption (another long, expensive process) or keep them around (ew).
4. You can take a personal pan pizza to the club.
Hot night-on-the-town outfit? Check. Sexy, yet comfortable heels to dance in? Check. Baby carrier containing a baby covered in sh*t? Oh, helllllll no!
Age restrictions aside, taking an infant to the club is not cute. Kids are clumsy little beasts and will likely tumble into bar patrons, causing them to spill their expensive mojitos.
Trying to get down with your crush? Good luck! How are you gonna make bedroom eyes with them when you're too busy keeping an eye on your baby?
Thankfully, there is no age restriction for personal pan pizzas.
Added bonus: You can always share one with your potential bae after a night of grindin'.
Sure, it might be weird to strut into a lounge with a mini-pizza, but it's still doable.
5. Personal pan pizzas will let you sleep in.
With their endless amounts of energy, children do not have a snooze button. They need your attention at all hours, regardless of if you've had your full 12 hours of sleep.
Since they are inanimate objects, personal pan pizzas don't need anything from you. They don't need you to wake up early to make breakfast and take them to soccer practice. They don't need you to wake up at 3 am to change their diapers.
Whether you're trying to sleep off a bad hangover or catch up on some Z's after late nights at the office, PPPs allow you to get your beauty rest.
6. You don't need to have “the talk” with a personal pan pizza.
It's the awkward moment every parent dreads: telling your little demon about the birds and the bees.
The great thing about personal pan pizzas is that they don't have inquisitive minds — just lots of sauce and lots of cheese.
Sauce and cheese don't need to know the ABCs. Sauce and cheese don't need to know the Pledge of Allegiance. And they definitely don't need to know about the wild night their mommy and daddy had eight years ago after they watched "Fifty Shades of Grey."
Personal pizzas only need three things:
Awesome toppings. Sufficient cooking time. To be properly digested by a pizza-lover.
So cancel your subscription to Parenting magazine, stock up on condoms and waltz on down to your nearest pizza place.
Enjoy the hot and crusty freedom of a delicious personal pan pizza made just for you.