CC My Email Self: Stop Being Such A P*ssy

I’ve been giving it a lot of thought lately, and I think it’s time that I call out someone who has really been bothering me for the past few years. Someone who constantly pisses me off on a daily basis. Someone who kind of just sounds like a tool: me.

Well, not me as in myself (I know I’m amazing), but me as in my email self, a.k.a. the person I become whenever I have to write a “formal email.” If I ever talk in real life like I do in my emails, feel free to come up to me and punch me in the face.

How could you not want to? I'd sound like the biggest phony, bologna prick you'd ever met! Every time I write one of these emails with an unnecessary exclamation point, when I'm clearly not that excited, or a sign-off with a parting word I'd never actually say in a million years, a little part inside of me dies a slow and painful death.

Let's face it, business emails are the most bullsh*t things on the planet since Power Balance Bracelets (side note: if you are one of the idiots who fell for that scandal, kindly punch yourself in the face).

Nobody, and I mean nobody, possibly talks the way they do in an email in actual real life situations. We'd be the biggest rejects to society in the world. We need to start acting more like ourselves!

Here's the difference between a real email I've sent and what I actually wanted to say in a real-life conversation.

So next time you got to write one of these professional emails with "big words" and punctuation you'd never use, just remember: you're not fooling anyone. You may sound proper in an email, but much like myself, you're probably just a dick in real life.

Photo via Tumblr