7 Ways To Completely Ruin Everyone Else's Time At A Music Festival

by Jake Cappuccino
REUTERS/Gaston De Cardenas

If you're big into EDM, then you know Ultra Music Festival occurred in Miami, Florida last weekend. I was crazy enough to attend with a friend, and I had a wonderful time. But, all the fun was not without its speed bumps.

Yep, there were some people who, in pursuit of their own incredible experiences, had fun at the expense of the fun of others.

I guess I can't blame them. I totally understand their mindset. I mean, any time you go anywhere to do anything, it's all about you, right?

You paid a ton of money, so who cares about other people BECAUSE YOLO, I'M HERE FOR ME, AM I RIGHT?

I mean, it's not like everyone can have fun together; for one person to have more fun, someone needs to have less fun, right?

ASSUMING that's how this works, if you want to maximize your own fun, here are some totally amazing ways to make the most of your own experience with blatant disregard for other people.

I know this sounds difficult, but it's actually really easy. Let me break it down for you.

1. You know that beer cup you just finished or that empty water bottle you have? Once you decide you're done with the container, it's officially garbage.

Now, take your garbage and launch it high into the air because you don't have time to find a real trash can. Recycling or disposing of waste properly? LOL! Ain't nobody got time for that!

Plus, throwing your trash into the crowd lets people know how few f*cks you give about the environment or the people around you. Bonus points for hitting another festival-goer, preferably in the face.

2. Jump high and jump often.

The music is just too good to not jump, right? Plus, the artist is egging you on, I get it. Jumping is just so much fun, therefore, MORE JUMPING = MORE FUN and MOST JUMPING = MOST FUN! Also, flail your arms violently to let people know just how much fun you're having.

If you're not knocking into the people around you, you're doing it completely wrong. When jumping, try to get as high into the air as possible because that's when you have the least amount of body control and are least responsible for your actions because, remember, more jumping equals more fun.

3. Push aggressively into crowds that clearly cannot accept more people.

I know, you're thinking, “The crowd is too dense, there's no way I can go any further!” SO WRONG. You're just not pushing hard enough. There's totally space farther up. If only the people in front of you would just stop hogging all of it!

If you push hard enough, you'll totally find space and, if you're trying hard enough, you may just shove some people into other people. Getting physical and super close with strangers and the artists is just too essential to the experience to let other people get in your way.

4. Use your smartphone to record every glorious second.

This must truly be super fun because it's impossible to attend a music festival and not see a dozen smartphones in the air at any given moment.

It's not like there are professional video crews recording everything. Don't worry, your video will be way better because YOU WERE THERE! IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT! IN THE CROWD! NO PROFESSIONAL VIDEO COULD CAPTURE THE TRUE BREADTH OF YOUR EXPERIENCE.

5. Wear a fake Native American headdress.

I think this one is self-evident. Nothing says fun like wearing culturally insensitive things. (To stop joking for a second, if people take away one thing to NOT do from this list, it would be this one. It doesn't even make any sense, so please for the sake of everyone, just quit doing it.)

6. Get on someone's shoulders.

I know this seems difficult since it requires two people, but trust me and do it. You'll be able to see everything way better, crush your friend's or significant other's shoulders and simultaneously block the view of everyone behind you.

It's really just a win-win situation for you, and nobody else really needs to see because you definitely care way more than everyone else.

7. Do NOT apologize.

Bump into someone, even on accident?

That's OK, don't worry about saying "sorry" or "excuse me." Remember, this music festival is all about you and your experience and under no circumstance should an apology be in order. You don't have time for common decency or pleasantries. They're only other people, so who cares? They'll probably forgive you.

Plus, I mean, who even says "I'm sorry" or "excuse me" anymore? Being polite is so passé.

So, to make sure each individual has the best experience, each of us must work harder to do these things as often as possible because doing them will totally not cause security problems, get crowd members mad at each other, create a serious garbage situation, ruin people's views and wreck the entire festival.

I mean, if it makes MY OWN experience better, who cares if people think I'm a jerk ruining the festival for everyone?