A few weeks ago, Elite Daily published my article titled “10 Words We Definitely Should Have Stopped Using By Now.”
Unfortunately, in the time after this article was posted, many of my friendships have gone sour. People are hesitant to be around me ever since I was “the worst thing that's happened to language since Pig Latin.” I can't be in a room without being attacked with an ironic “turnt” or a malicious “lit.”
So, now it's time for me to fix the problem I created. When I took your precious words away I left a vacuum in the Millennial communication system. For the past few weeks, morning texts have been void of a “bae,” and Twitter wars have been waged without the promise of a celebratory “savage.” I simply can't live with these consequences as a result of my actions.
OK, maybe I'm over-exaggerating. My article didn't change the way anybody uses slang. Basically, here are five words I think could be fun and useful for our everyday Millennial lives:
I promise I wanted to avoid using a Trump reference in this piece, but I am weak and saw an opportunity to define a phenomenon that I never had the right words to describe. Let's get this over with.
The Trumper is that one friend in every group of friends who is very well liked, despite being a total assh*le. You may be able to identify this friend by their ability to roast others, or by their sarcastic sense of humor. What separates the Trumper from everyone else is the inexplicable positive correlation that exists between this person's mean-spirited actions and their likability.
You'll find yourself constantly defending the Trumper to others with phrases like, “Well, he's not an assh*le to me,” or “No, you just don't know the real them.” If, after all of these tips, you are still having trouble identifying and isolating the Trumper in your group, then the Trumper is your friend Jake, by default.
This term is the perfect way to describe when a mistake or pure luck results in huge success or profit. The origin of this fake word is two-fold. First, it was derived from the idea of successfully heaving a basketball from half court into the basket with time expiring.
In addition, this word was formed by combining Steve Harvey's first and last name. Over the years, we have seen many examples of profitable mistakes from the potato chip to plastic. Nowadays, the internet is helping to make small accidents into huge opportunities. When I saw how much money and positive publicity Steve Harvey was gaining off of his Miss Universe mistake I knew we needed a word for this.
Now, let me be clear. There is a huge difference between going viral and throwing a heve. And the divide lies in what you do with the platform that your mistake has given you.
Rebecca Black turning “Friday” into a hugely successful and profitable YouTube page: Total heve. The Damn Daniel kid getting a lifetime supply of white vans shoes: Semi-heve. Alex From Target quitting his job at Target to go on a “tour” where you get to see him everywhere but Target: Anti-heve.
This term will be very useful to young post-grads living in metropolitan areas. Wegottas is a term to describe the people you occasionally see out at the bars and would never personally text to hang out, but you are genuinely excited to see.
Every time you randomly run into this type of person you will smile, embrace and say something along the lines of, "Yo, we've got to hang out sometime.” You really want to hang out with this person. You should hang out with this person. You've got to hang out with this person. But you will never hang out with this person.
4. "Facebook Facepalm"
This term can be used to describe the feeling you get when a person you once had respect for voices their serious disapproval to an article, without realizing that it is from The Onion. You want to still be friends with this person, but you will now struggle to trust their judgment after they thought “Study: Majority Of New Marine Life Species Now Discovered While Cleaning Oil Spills” was a real news headline.
Facebook is the best way to connect with your old friends. And the Facebook Facepalm is your reminder of why you stopped being friends with them in the first place.
Life has become less about having fun, and more about making people believe you are having fun. No one knows this mentality better than the partyographer. The partyographer is the person at the party who constantly takes pictures and videos of other people having a good time, but never actually has a good time themselves.
They are the first person to take their phone out whenever something wild or funny is happening. This gives the illusion that they are part of some crazy night, when in reality they are barely partaking in the festivities. If awards were given out to late night activities, the partyographer wouldn't even walk away with a participation trophy. People who are actually having fun never pause their good time to take a picture of it.
In reality, the partyographer is a fun-sucker. No one wants to be filmed while they are acting like a fool, so while the partyographer takes their pictures, they are also taking the fun out of the party. These monsters are the “Jennifer's Body” of partygoers, as they kill parties in order to rejuvenate their social media personas.
So, there you go, friends. The Millennial communication system has been restored. I hope you find some of these new words useful in your everyday lives. If not, there was also some decent advice in there. But, if you also disagree with that, then whatever. I'm just hoping I throw a heve with one of these articles and can profit off that for a while. I'd also settle with some free shoes.