"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley
In honor of Love Your Pet Day, I thought it would be worthwhile to think about how grateful we are for dogs.
They make the human race better — period — but I will save those thoughts for next year.
Instead, let's explore what our four-legged comrades can learn from humans.
Ya know, aside from fetch, high-five and play dead. (Note: These fictional quotes are based on actual conversations I've had with my doggy-son, Marshall.)
1. Quit being so passive aggressive
Stop staring at me, then at my food, then at me, then at my food. If you want my food, just ask. I will still say no. You get treats and stray popcorn all the time. That's enough.
Besides, you are not passive aggressive when you smack the bells on the door (I heard it the first time). So, clearly you know how to get my attention.
And, that thing you do, when you walk up and just drop the ball by my feet? How about tossing it up to me, maybe? Or, when you roll onto your back and throw all your paws in the air? I get it, you like getting your belly rubbed.
2. Stop licking your junk
Seriously, just stop. Look, bro, I'm sure it feels good and if I'm being honest, it has crossed most men's minds. But, the truth is, it's just a really bad look.
I can't stand that sound. And the smell? It's bad. My house, my rules. Just stop.
3. Don't pee on your own leg
So, I may be a bit of a hypocrite here; I've been there. Here's the thing, though: When I notice what I'm doing, I stop.
I get it, it's winter and your pee is warm, so maybe it feels good. And, I know you don't really care about your self-image, but really, maybe you should. Which brings me to my next point...
4. Get a job
Okay, I don't expect you to actually get a job. That would be absurd (could you imagine? A dog barista or pro-wrestler?) But, you could learn to be a service dog. I mean, that would be cool right? Yeah it would.
Unfortunately, you still poop in the house and jump on every person you see. We have a ways to go, but let's start small.
Can you learn to put your toys away, at least? Maybe wipe your paws when you come in the house?
5. Get serious
You can't just be all carefree all the time. I can't play with you 24/7, I just can't. I need you to focus.
Life is serious, my dude. Oh, and fix your ear. It looks ridiculous when it flips over like that.
Also, you eat three times per day and get a treat when you "go" outside. Not to mention, the peanut butter Kong toy you get every time we leave. Quit begging for more. I literally never see you working out. We need to keep that diet in check.
6. Don't hump EVERY dog you see
While we're at it, don't let every dog hump you. You don't want to be known as "that dog" in the park. It can't be good.
Besides, when you try to "get down," you do it wrong. Girl dogs shouldn't be the ones humping you. I think it may be time for the talk.
Find a nice bitch (or male, whatever) and settle down. Maybe start a fam… sh*t. You can't do that, sorry, man.
7. Fetch me a beer
Isn't this every dog owner's ultimate aspiration? If you do this, you are an instant legend.
8. Quit stealing the blanket
You don't even need it. You sleep on top of it. And, don't give me that look when I try to steal it back.
9. Chill with the whole mailman thing
Around noon, every freaking day, someone stops by the house for like two seconds. Okay? Now that we got that down, can we just chill?
I appreciate your effort in trying to be a guard dog, but if we're being honest, if someone invaded the house, you would roll over and ask for belly rubs, like "I guess I have new owners now."
10. Where are you going?
If I drop the leash or stop to pick up your mess, it's not a free chance to break loose. Is your life that bad? Seriously, Is it? You get the premium dog food.
Full-disclosure: It's not the top brand, just like, you know, the high-middle. I don't eat all organic and grass-fed food, so you don't either. Money doesn't grow on trees.
Anyway, we take you out, you have your own room (without rent) and pretty laid-back parents. It's not THAT bad, is it? Plus, it's not like you don't get out; you get to go to camp and to Grandma's all the time.
Let me be blunt here, my dude: You wouldn't last a day in the wild, and I wouldn't last a day without you.
Dogs have the most unconditional love for you, so return the favor today and every day.