We grew up being told lying is bad. In the meantime, we also quickly realized there are many ways to lie, and though it held the power to get us in trouble, it could also help us get away with a few things.
So, if to lie or not to lie is the question, I’m saying, why not?
I’m not advocating for everyone to become a compulsive liar, but seriously, sometimes the line between the lies we tell and the truth behind them is so thin, you couldn’t tell it’s even there. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about...
1. I’m getting in the car as we speak.
You’re still home, in your PJs, debating whether or not you still have time for a shower.
2. It wasn’t me.
Actually, it was — I saw you —, but I can’t think of another lie to make up for the first one.
3. No, officer, I swear this stop sign was not there one minute ago.
I was texting, but even then, I’m pretty sure this sign just came out of nowhere.
4. I did text you back; I guess it didn’t work again…
…Or maybe, I just mentally replied. Either way, I guess the answer was probably "no," anyway.
5. Absolutely, I have a ton of work experience as a waitress.
I set the dinner table once for Thanksgiving.
6. No, seriously, the sex was great…
…Although, I don’t understand why you didn’t want to let my vibrator join the party, honey.
7. I am so not in love; we’re just sex friends.
If you think about someone all day long and want to cuddle all the time, it doesn’t mean you’re emotionally attached, does it?
8. It’s not you, it’s me.
Of course, it’s because of you, but I just don’t feel like arguing over and over again.
9. I can’t go out with you; I need to babysit my neighbor’s cat.
Yep, even that sounds more exciting than hanging out with you.
10. I love you, too.
Well, you caught me off-guard by saying it first; what was I supposed to say? "Thanks a lot"?
11. I hate you.
Okay, maybe I don’t, but you’re being such a d*ck, I don’t feel like being nice right now.
12. Sorry, I can’t make it to work; I think I just caught a stomach flu.
No, it doesn’t have anything to do with my birthday party last night.
13. I swear I did not have sex with someone who's not you.
FYI: Oral sex is DEFINITELY cheating. Just ask Hillary Clinton.
14. No, you did not get fat.
On the other hand, you were never a size 0, either, so what’s my point of comparison?
15. Seriously, you weren’t that drunk.
Everybody dances on tables and talks sh*t after a couple of drinks.
16. You’re a great cook!
Who knew that a flourless, sugar-free and over-burnt cake could taste of something?
17. I am so happy for you.
Of course, I don’t mind you rubbing my face in every detail of your perfect life.
18. I did not drunk text you.
Technically, alcohol did, so blame it on the booze.
19. I am considering my options.
I’m unemployed, lost as f*ck and soon-to-be bankrupt.
20. Yeah for this, too, I am considering my options.
I’m single, alone as f*ck and soon-to-be on every existing dating app.
21. Of course, I had a great time. I’ll call you, okay?
I would have probably asked for your number if this were going to happen, right?
22. I live with my roommates.
Parents don’t count as roommates. They’re your parents, not your pals. Period.
23. I’m feeling a bit tired.
Actually, I’m fine I just didn’t put any makeup on this morning.
24. I am not obsessing…
…But, did Hedwig have to die? She was just an owl!
25. I am not crazy.
The voices in my head say I’m doing okay so far...
26. I am good at budgeting my money.
These shoes are an investment.
27. You are so much prettier than the whore your ex is now dating.
She’s a model, but I’m sure deep down, you’re so happy to have such a lying, empathetic, loving friend like me.
28. I don’t even like Facebook.
I have no time for gossips… Wait, she’s ENGAGED?! How did she even find a boyfriend?
29. I never bitch about others.
Not my fault social media became a playground for haters.
30. I have never engaged in ANY of the lies listed above.
Yeah, I’m sure you haven’t. Neither have I.