Father's Day is this Sunday, and even though 87 percent of dads surveyed say all they want is "some Goddamn peace and quiet for 24 hours," there's still an expectation that their sons and daughters will make an effort to acknowledge their dad's role in their existence. It's only fair.
However, just because you were supposed to get a gift doesn't necessarily mean that you have. Given that the 15th is just around the corner, your options are admittedly limited. Luckily for you, I've put together a list of eight surefire presents that are definitely better than nothing [Editor's note: Depending on your dad, "nothing" would be preferable to some of the options below].
Hopefully I can be of some use.
White tube socks
via We Are Somethings
This isn't exactly the most creative gift on the list, but I guarantee it'll be a hit.
There is a direct correlation between your age and how much you enjoy getting socks as a gift. As a kid, there was nothing worse than ripping open a present on Christmas morning to find a three pairs of tiny socks, and as a dad there is nothing more satisfying than reaching into a gift bag on Father's Day and pulling out a bunch of white tube socks.
When a man gets married or has a child, one of the best gifts you can give him to celebrate is a really expensive alcohol. There's nothing that says "Congratulations" like a bottle of 18-year-old scotch or bottle of wine that was made last century.
However, we're talking about Father's Day, not a major life event. You have to adjust according. Instead of a bottle of Remy Martin, stop by the liquor store and pick up a 12-pack of Natty Ice and a pint of the cheapest whiskey they have. It might not break the bank, but any dad who doesn't think that's the perfect gift is a liar (Or a Mormon. Or a recovering alcoholic. You should check to make sure your dad isn't any of those).
Big Mouth Billy Bass
In 1998, the world was introduced to "Big Mouth Billy Bass," an animatronic mock-up of a taxidermied fish that sang covers of songs like "Take Me to the River." If I have to explain the humor there, something has already gone horribly wrong.
You might ask yourself why a 14-year-old novelty toy (that somehow retails for $80) would be on a list of last minute Father's Day gifts, and the answer is simple: dads love stupid jokes and anything related to fishing. I also guarantee that you won't have to pay the retail price because every single yard sale in the world has one for $1.50 (batteries not included).
If, for some reason, you can't track one down, then you can always settle for a different kind of humor...
A book of laughably outdated jokes
If there's one things dads love, it's telling terrible jokes. Occasionally, you'll come across a father who actually puts some effort into his humor, but it seems like most people over the age of 30 rely solely on short anecdotes and overtly racist sentiments that they can pull out during a dinner party or a golf game.
If you can somehow find a Barnes & Noble that hasn't given up on life, I'd suggest going to the discount section at the front and looking for any awkwardly sized publication with the words "1001 Jokes" or "Bathroom Reader" on the front. I guarantee that your dad will think it's the funniest thing he's ever seen.
An incredibly tacky tie
via NY Mag
I know that a tie is probably the least creative gift you can get your dad on Father's Day, but I'm not talking about just any tie, I'm talking about an incredibly tacky one. This one is less of a gift and more of a test. I'll explain.
The key here is to go to a store and find the ugliest tie they have in stock. You can go the novelty route or simply look for a pattern that was last worn in 1974 by the manager of a corn syrup factory in Cedar Rapids. The goal is to find something he'd never be caught dead wearing.
The idea is that if you ever see him wearing that tie, you'll know there's something very wrong and you'll be able to take whatever course of action you deem necessary.
A Jean-Claude Van Damme movie
via The Air Got To It
While the list can vary a bit, there are a number of things that can air on televisions that will make dads cancel any plans they had in favor of sitting on the couch for hours at a time. They include: "Cops" marathons, golf tournaments, "The Shawshank Redemption" and movies made in the 1980s where people punch each other a lot.
When it comes to that last category, I'd argue that nobody does it better than Jean-Claude Van Damme. You can list off as many Chuck Norris facts as you can, but you're not going to convince me that JCVD didn't run the world of 80s action movies.
Oh? What's that? You can get a combo pack containing both "Time Cop" and "Bloodsport" on Blu-Ray for the incredibly reasonable price of $13.48? Good thing Amazon offers same day delivery. It looks like I just saved Father's Day.
A copy of "Playboy"
via IB Times
I realize that this is kind of a weird idea, but bear with me for a second. You're the person struggling to find a gift at the last minute. It's not like you're really in a position to complain.
He's not just your dad, he's also a guy. If pop culture has taught me anything, it's that guys like pictures of naked women in close proximity to thought-provoking articles on... guy stuff? I don't actually know what "Playboy" writes articles about. I assume "guy stuff" covers most of it.
Anyway, if you really can't think of anything else, stop by a newsstand or airport bookstore (the only two places in the world to still sell magazines) and pick up a copy of Hugh Hefner's magnum opus. When you give it to your dad, say you thought he'd be interested in the article on punk rock in Iran and that you didn't even realize it was the "Playmate of the Year" issue.
If you can't tell, I'm officially out of ideas. If you haven't found something on this list that suits your needs you probably aren't going to find anything. Maybe it's for the best. Maybe all your dad really wants for Father's Day is a phone call and a day to himself.
Honestly, you're already in trouble if you're getting ideas for gifts from a list penned by someone who hasn't even met your dad. Just get him something you think he'd like. Chances are he won't disown you.