I don't know how many minutes I've collectively wasted browsing Netflix in the hope there's some great movie I've somehow managed to miss the past 137 times I've done the same thing, but it's probably somewhere around "Wow, that's way too many."
There are rare occasions I stumble across something I've been meaning to watch for a while, but most of the time I just end up settling on something I've seen too many times because I'm scared of new experiences.
During my most recent exercise in futility, I ended up settling on "Zoolander," the movie that inspired that one annoying kid at your lunch table to reply "Cool story, Hansel" whenever someone spoke.
It had been a few years since my last viewing, and while I was watching it, I couldn't help but notice a few uncanny parallels between Derek Zoolander and another self-proclaimed power player in the world of fashion: Kanye West.
I'm not saying Kanye has based the past few years of his life on "Zoolander," but they have more things in common than you'd think.
They're only capable of making one expression.
Zoolander prided himself on his impressive array of expressions with exotic names like "Le Tigre" and "Ferrari" that distracted from the fact the "impressive array" was actually just him making a kissy face at the camera.
To my knowledge, Kanye has never flaunted his facial movements as one of his primary strengths. This is largely because his face has been frozen in a scowl since 2011.
They love crashing stages at awards show.
Whether it's the MTV Movie Awards or a celebration of fashion on VH1, there's nothing these guys like doing more than walking onto the stage when they don't hear their name called.
They also love Frappuccinos.
The Orange Mocha Frappucino only exists in the "Zoolander" universe, so while I don't know Kanye's order of choice, I like to assume he'd get that if it were an option.
They're big fans of clothing inspired by the homeless.
I know I'm not the first person to make the observation a lot of the clothes in Kanye's clothing line look like they were taken directly off the back of the kind of person you try to avoid being in the same subway car with.
I also know if we're speaking in technicalities, Kanye has more in common with Mugatu than he does with Derek Zoolander, as he designs the clothes before having his models essentially create a scene from a dystopian YA novel on the runway.
However, my theory is Kanye got his inspiration for Yeezy Season (both one and two) when he started watching "Zoolander" for the exact same reasons I did. I have nothing to support said theory, but I'm going to stick with it until proven otherwise.
They care about the youth.
It's easy to make fun of Kanye because of all of the things Kanye does, and based on how the world works, it's only natural that his antics tend to overshadow the good things he occasionally does.
Derek Zoolander used his fame and fortune to turn a school for ants into a beautiful center for learning, and Kanye founded Donda's House, a charity devoted to providing education in the arts to young people who wouldn't have access otherwise.
I personally would have called it "Donda's House For Kids Who Can't Paint Good And Who Want To Learn To Play Music Good Too," but I guess that doesn't roll off the tongue as well.
They say a lot of things that don't make any sense.
I don't think I have to elaborate on this one that much.
They appreciate snakeskin jackets.
The first is rugged cowboys who make boots from the snakes they killed with their bare hands because they're forced to work with what limited resources are available to them on the prairie.
The second is rich people who have probably never seen an actual snake outside of a burlesque show or extravagant orgy. Kanye and Zoolander are the second kind of people.