13 Depressingly Bad Attempts At Patriotism On The 4th Of July (Photos)

by Connor Toole

This weekend, millions of Americans will shovel plates full of carbohydrates into their mouths and wash it down with a gulp of beer from a can with a bald eagle on the side in the hopes they'll get drunk enough to make shooting fireworks more dangerous than it has to be.

There will also be spontaneous chanting and tank tops made of American flags, because that's just what you do on the Fourth of July.

This yearly cocktail of increasingly ironic patriotism, country music and actual cocktails is a recipe for creating fantastic memories you'll forget when you wake up on the fifth, but there are also plenty of things that can go wrong when celebrating our independence.

I initially wanted this post to be a list of pictures of the mangled fingers of people who are bad at fireworks, but I was informed by my editor the idea was less "funny" and more "Seriously? What's wrong with you?".

I guess you can call this a compromise.

Those are fireworks. Fireworks.

These, on the other hand, are firewroks.

This might seem like a dumb idea...

But at least it doesn't involve an increased risk of skin cancer.

At least that will go away eventually. This is on someone's body forever.

So is this one. Apparently undead American tattoos are all the rage.

"It's, um, a jellyfish? Yeah, that's it. A very patriotic jellyfish."

There is literally no reason for this picture to exist. None.

That's grammatically correct if you speak American.

Let's celebrate all the octogenarians who are still able to live on their own!

Adding more stars doesn't actually make it more patriotic.

"We're out of L's, should we wait for a new shipment?"

 I know the title says "underwhelming," but I figured we'd end on a high note with a person you'll never be cooler than.