Yesterday, I published a public service announcement warning the world about the dangers of cargo shorts in an attempt to save people who own them from harming themselves and the rest of society more than they already have.
Most reasonable people seemed to agree with my stance, but there were more than a few cargo-short loyalists who kept repeating the phrase "function over fashion" (while illustrating the dangers of drinking too much Monster Energy in the process).
What those people don't realize is it's actually more fashionable to carry your extra belongings in a neon fanny pack than it is to stuff them into the auxiliary pockets of your cargo shorts, but some people can't be reasoned with.
I'll let you insert your own joke about the presidential campaign here.
I'm glad so many people are spreading this important message, but I'm also worried that by targeting cargo shorts I implied all other kinds of shorts are perfectly acceptable.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Those are jean shorts, also known as "jorts," also know as "jeans that didn't try hard enough."
They might look good on girls who have a lot of followers on Tumblr, but on most people they are usually just another way of letting people know you keep your wallet attached to a chain.
There are many different types of jean shorts -- including, yes, cargo jorts.
All of them should be avoided if you don't want to unexpectedly find yourself enjoying the music of Kid Rock.
Over the past few years, some people have dubbed a slim and cuffed style of jorts as "fashionable" and "stylish." They are neither of those things.
Don't believe the Jort Lobby's propaganda. This...
...is basically one step away from this.
Jorts are just gateway clothing. It's best to avoid them at all costs unless you want to regret every picture you take while wearing them a decade from now.