Spring officially arrived over a week ago, April is right around the corner and, if the weather wizards responsible for forecasting the temperature are correct, I'll soon be able to leave my apartment without silently cursing at a chill that will never answer me.
If you're like me, you're already working on undoing the damage you did to your body over the winter after you ignored the pathetic reality of the physique you tried to hide under heavy clothing.
Even if you're not in that position, there's a good chance you'll feel the urge to start shedding the layers you've piled on yourself over the past few months, slowly reintroducing the parts of your body that have forgotten what sunlight feels like.
At some point, t-shirts will replace the sweaters you've been relying on, and there will be a certain point in time when you officially decide it's time to unleash your hopelessly pale legs onto the unsuspecting public.
At that moment, you'll open the drawer or box containing a collection of shorts that haven't been touched since Columbus Day and try to figure out which pair deserves to christen another fabulous season of showing off your sick calves.
A pair of cargo shorts might catch your eye, and you may find yourself drawn to them like Bilbo Baggins to The Ring.
STOP. YOU MUST RESIST. TAKE EVERY PAIR OF CARGO SHORTS YOU HAVE AND BURN THEM (or donate them to people who have more things to worry about than admittedly pointless standards of fashion. That's probably better).
Given the amount of nostalgia people seem to have for things they loved in middle school, I understand why it might be hard to resist putting on a pair of shorts that make people assume you haven't learned much about the world since then.
No one has ever worn cargo shorts and returned home with pockets full of phone numbers and underwear that women gave them over the course of the day. Any practical purpose they might serve is negated by their mere existence.
To illustrate my point, I sent the picture below to a co-worker, who has an appreciation for the male physique, and asked for her reaction:
Her response was simply "cargo."
I could write 1,000 more words explaining all of the reasons cargo shorts should be expelled from your wardrobe, but that's why Medium was invented. Instead, here are 22 words outlining basically all of the situations where cargo shorts are considered acceptable.
1. You're over the age of 42.
2. Your name is John Cena.
3. You've somehow run out of room in your other four pockets.
I couldn't find of picture of this because it's an incredibly rare occurrence.
There's a better chance of me accidentally knocking a coffee out of Bigfoot's hand on my commute to work tomorrow than anyone encountering this problem.
This spring, do yourself and the world a favor by permanently exiling cargo shorts from your warm-weather wardrobe. If we all work together, we can make the world a cargoless place.