Over the past couple of days, people on the East Coast have been frantically trying to figure out just how much they should panic as Hurricane Joaquin makes its way toward the United States. Or out to sea. Or maybe into outer space.
As of yesterday, nobody really seemed to know:
That looks like the work of a meteorology student who knows he's failing his final.
It's looking increasingly more likely the storm will decide it's too tired to cause property damage and head out to the Atlantic. However, weathermen have given me literally no reason to trust them, so I'm being overly cautious when it comes to preparations.
1. Didn't I tell myself I wasn't going to buy into the hype again?
2. Does this have something to do with global warming?
3. What about El Niño?
4. Was "The Day After Tomorrow" based on actual science?
5. How much money do meteorologists make to occasionally predict things correctly?
6. WHO IS PAYING THESE PEOPLE $90,000 A YEAR?
7. Should I have been a meteorologist?
8. Is a half a jar of peanut butter and some stale rice cakes enough to survive or do I have to go shopping?
9. Why did I think I'd be the only person stocking up at the grocery store?
10. What are you even supposed to buy to get ready for a hurricane?
11. When was the last time I bought an entire loaf of bread?
12. Should I just buy a couple of bags of Halloween candy and get out of here?
13. How many cans of Pringles are too many cans of Pringles?
14. Should I just fill up my bathtub if they're out of bottled water?
15. Is it a dick move to order delivery in a hurricane if you tip a few extra dollars?
16. Should I buy batteries for my flashlight?
17. Do I own a flashlight that isn't also my phone?
18. How have I gone this long without scented candles in my apartment?
19. Why did I throw out that emergency kit my parents said would come in handy?
20. How long can a human being theoretically live consuming nothing but beer?
21. The fact that vodka could be used as both antiseptic and lighter fluid in an emergency makes it a responsible purchase, right?
22. If we're going to start naming storms after eccentric actors, can we do Hurricane Crispin next year?
23. Does someone get paid to draft up a list of acceptable hurricane names?
24. What if we run out of regular names and have to start naming storms like celebrities name their children?
25. Who's going to be scared of Hurricane North?
26. How exactly does flooding work again?
27. How much are inflatable rafts on Amazon?
28. Is it worth taking the time to make a JOAQUIN 2015 playlist?
29. What else can I include besides "Rock You Like A Hurricane" and that Bob Dylan song?
30. What am I going to do to entertain myself if the power goes out?
31. Is it worth, like, buying a magazine or a book or something?
32. Am I going to regret not taking this more seriously?