How You'd Handle Donald Trump As President, As Told By Your Zodiac Sign
I can't count the number of times I've wondered to myself what I would do if I woke up with Donald Trump as the president of this great (I guess) nation of ours.
As in all scenarios of uncertainty, I turn to the stars for guidance, so I don't have to live in utter fear anymore.
Here's what the stars are saying about how you would handle a Trumpocalypse, based on your zodiac sign.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Reacts Violently
Aries all have hot tempers, and you'd better believe that no matter which way you politically lean, you'll be reacting to a Trump presidency with the fury of 1,000 urinary tract infections.
You'll try to gather up your weapons to start a war before realizing there is no military to fight against because in Trump's America, we go back to fighting in pitchfork mobs like the one at the end of "Beauty and the Beast."
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Hides Everything
Taurians are very attached to their possessions, and they can even assume (wrongly) ownership over the people they love.
If you're attached to a Taurus, prepare to wake up in Trump's America in a nuclear shelter and to not to come out for the next four years. At least it'll be well-decorated. A Taurus wouldn't have it any other way.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Hoards All The Books That Haven't Been Burned Yet
Failing to realize that the internet always was a propaganda machine (basically an echo chamber of all the opinions you already agreed with), you'll be very upset to realize that in Trump's America, the internet is simply a machine for all the opinions Trump agrees with.
You'll panic without the ability to constantly take in information and communicate with others, and then you'll find all the books that haven't been burned yet and start a secret book club.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Literally Never Stops Crying
When Trump drains the water supply because he's dismantled the entire Environmental Protection Agency, Cancers' tears will be the only water we have to drink.
So please, be sure to eat healthy and detoxify your system now because ironically, our lives will be in every Cancer's hands.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Really Loves All The Mirrors Trump Has Put Up Everywhere
Strangely enough, Trump has covered every building in America with mirrors, and Leo, who is the most vain creature in the zodiac, is “really loving what he's done with the place.”
If you can't escape reality, at least you can stare at your reflection and brush your hair repeatedly until this is all over.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Has A Hypochondriacal Fit
Virgos will have zero tolerance when Trump blows out the water supply because they are the biggest neat freaks in the zodiac.
“Everyone needs to stay clean!” you'll yell maniacally, as you try to scale up Trump Tower to break into the only shower left in America.
You'll be shot down before you reach the second floor. Sorry, Virgo, you're not the most athletic sign on the planet.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Falls Into A Depression The World Has Never Seen
Libras are all about beauty, harmony and fighting for justice. Unfortunately, it isn't possible to fight for equality when you're living under a fascist dictator.
Since Libras won't resort to uncivilized violence, they'll try to escape the harshness of reality the best way they know how: by disappearing between their couch cushions, emerging only when all of this is over.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Becomes A Full-Time Groper
In Trump's America, our new national anthem will be “Grab Her By The Pu$y,” so it goes without saying that groping anyone is fully legal.
“Maybe this whole Trump thing isn't so bad,” you'll think to yourself.
You'll enjoy the first few months, grabbing dicks left and right, but the second someone touches you non-consensually, you get so mad that you'll climb the Empire State Building and try to swat Air Force One right out of the sky.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Withers Away Without A Right To Free Speech
Absolutely heartbroken over their lack of freedom to talk shit, Sagittarians lose their life forces and die slowly of broken hearts.
Turns out your main motivation to eat and wake up every morning was the possibility you might ruffle the feathers of your fellow Americans with your obnoxious, theoretical arguments.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Becomes A Member Of Trump's Global Elite
Capricorns have an innate ability to thrive in difficult circumstances because of their unstoppable ambition.
Well, just because Trump is a corrupt dictator doesn't mean you're going to stop climbing that ladder of success.
Get that money, Capricorn. Do You. The fact that the rest of us are too incompetent to work within the system isn't going to stop you from living in a gilded castle with King Baby Donald.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Spends Four Years Hacking Into Foreign Intelligence
There's nothing like a global crisis to stimulate the curiosity of Aquarians, who would gladly lock themselves alone in a room for years to try to save the world by hacking into the Russian intelligence system to free the internet from grips of Trump propaganda.
They just might do it, too. They are very ahead of their time, after all.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Is Never Seen Or Heard From Again
Pisces, who hates confrontation and feels the pain of others more deeply than any other sign in the zodiac, will surely go off the grid before they have to watch their loved ones suffer.
Goodbye, Pisces. We're all sad to see you go, but at the same time, it's nice to not have to hear you whine about this situation because it's bad enough already.