This Guy Actually Documented His Masturbation Habits For Six Months (Photos)

If this kid got his hands off his St. Ives-covered genitals and into an SAT practice book, I guarantee you he'd be able to get into Harvard, become a senator and one day broker a deal between the US and China to end our debt with that world superpower.

But he won't because this kid loves yankin' it more than parents love their children.

Back in August we introduced you to 18-year-old Redditor KarlRyker -- who is less a human and more just a bag full of testosterone and free time -- and his three-month journey to mathematically document his masturbation habits.

This led to learning things like how KarlRyker frequently went absolutely HAM on his peen (going twice a day for 27 days) and how he once had a session lasting 68 minutes long.

Well, he's back. He has three more months of data to share, and as much as you're going to feel uncomfortable reading his findings, you absolutely, 100 percent, unquestioningly need to read his findings.

For starters, KarlRyker gives a baseline for exactly how much time and SHAME he had on his hands every day to go on mini-Tinder dates with himself.

He apparently also spent 80 minutes as a passenger aboard the stroke boat once, which is literally the most impressive thing I ever heard.

TGIF? NOT IF YOU'RE KARLRYKER. The weekends were cool, though. Cool and full of crunchy socks.

He would also frequently tuck himself in before hitting his hay.

OK, this one isn't THAT crazy.

Sad stat :(. Sorry, Karl.

Does this kid even have a penis anymore or is it just a callous-covered Twizzler he pees out of?