Both my parents are economists, and in my adult life, I've tried to follow in their fiscal footsteps. I practice an ancient style of banking called "the blind man's checkbook."
First invented by an actual blind person, it involves me just never looking at my account balance and hoping for the best. It's quite an effective strategy. I've personally done my part in helping the banks recover from the recession, one overdraft charge at a time. Unlike a lot of you, I'm an actual patriot.
Sometimes I honestly have no idea how or why I have a certain amount of money. It's a complete mystery to me -- like who killed JFK or why we've all gotten over the fact that The Beatles have the worst band name in history.
So I decided to use my powerful graph-making skills to, through extensive research and study, break down what 20-somethings actually spend their money on each month.
I used myself as a guinea pig, of course. Because, well, I've always wanted to be a guinea pig. (They are like Pokémon: They're cute and with enough encouragement, you can probably make them fight to the death.)
Let us begin with this crucial diagram of the relationship between payday and how a 20-something spends income.
For two days out of every month, I am Justin Bieber at a strip club. The rest of the time, I am the janitor at that strip club.
OK, here we go. Pay attention, you will be graded on all of this.
Seriously, all my money goes to rent. I know it's bad in a lot of places, but rent in New York City is about as reasonable as a drunk Shia LaBeouf trying to convince you to let him punch you in the face "just once, dude."
Now on to everything that isn't rent.
Like most other 20-somethings, nearly all of the money I do not spend on rent, I spend on stuff I will eventually turn into piss and sh*t.
But let's break this down even further. I, like a lot of people, have a very warped view of how I spend my money.
I think the only time I've had a green smoothie is when I accidentally took a sip from a soda that was in my car for three months.
Then there is the reality.
Pigs call me Satan.
The same holds true for alcohol.
Microbrews are beers made in really tiny factories, right?
The truth is markedly different.
Bars should really start referring to "shots" as "dancing steroids" because they give you powers you shouldn't naturally posses and they have severe consequences after the fact.
OK, but what about stuff that ISN'T alcohol or food or rent? Well, the amount of money left after those things is so comparatively minuscule that it's almost negligible, but fine, here is my personal graph of how I spend any money left over.
This last graph varies from person to person -- some of you might buy clothes or collect crossbows or something -- but the rest of them are 100 percent universal.