'Tis the season for processing old family rage, am I right?
Sure, there's food, friends and gift-giving, but there hasn't been a single holiday season I haven't gone back home to visit without a toddler-like meltdown.
But this holiday season, I'm not going to let my crippling, raw emotions or my deep-seated, unchecked resentment ruin my holiday mirth.
And you don't have to, either.
This holiday season, I'm going to channel that yearly adolescent tantrum of unprocessed feelings directly into one of these adorably festive holiday throw pillows.
Use this surprisingly healing trick my therapist taught me, and smother the sound of your holiday screams with these super-festive accessory cushions!
This way, you can fully experience your emotions without overtly controlling them.
Because if you're screaming into a pillow, you're still letting all your feelings out. You're just turning down the volume on them!
1. The ironic "all is calm" pillow
Sure, "all is calm." Or, it will be after I scream out all the memories of my teenage years into this embroidered pine tree.
Find yourself a quiet closet, preferably one that inexplicably locks from the inside.
Settle yourself into the darkest corner of that closet, and let your emotions rip into this lumbar-supporting representation of what the holidays are supposed to be about.
When you emerge from the darkness of that closet, your calmness with confuse and frighten your family, and nobody will bring up that period of time when everyone called you Elmer Fudd for cutting your hair so short in high school.
You'll finally begin to accept the horrendous choices you made and the lack of guidance you received from your mother (who also happened to be your hairdresser at the time) by face-hugging this cushion till you have no tears left.
2. The embroidered sarcasm pillow
Who says you need to be thankful for your family anyway?
Of course, it's great to have a family, but at the end of the day, it's not like you got to choose them.
They kind of came with the package, and the beauty of adulthood is realizing you get to design your life however you want to, just like this pillow.
The more you realize your own taste, the less your family seems to fit.
That doesn't mean you aren't grateful for the lessons they have taught you, and it doesn't mean you would change them now.
It simply means that when you're around them, you need an hour a day to go into a holiday-themed rage blackout.
3. The ugly Christmas sweater pillow
This pillow can be used flexibly for office Christmas parties or neighborhood get-togethers. Bring it on a caroling trip to keep you warm, or use it to suffocate yourself during the most repetitive songs ever written.
Or, you can just use it for what pillows are meant for: screaming into.
The best part of this pillow? It looks exactly like your dad's ugly Christmas sweaters from the '90s. So when you cry into it, you'll almost feel like he finally understands your pain!
He doesn't, but if you can feel it, you can believe it.
4. The 'tis the season (to lose your shit) pillow
As you let loose a tsunami of alcohol-fueled tears into this absorbent plush cushion, its message will calmly affirm that you're exactly where you're supposed to be, doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing.
There's nothing wrong with crying out half your body's water weight during this joyous time of year.
After all, crying is better for you than throwing another martini down your gullet.
So carry on, and let loose.
Cry your eyes out and scream your way to bronchitis because this is going be the best scream-cry you'll have all year. And you have your family's unreasonable holiday expectations to thank for it.
5. The "Christmas in a trailer" pillow
You left your parents home over a decade ago to move to the big city. You're living in Brooklyn, and you're killing the scene.
But, every holiday season, you go back to the mobile home/house boat/log cabin that your stupid, outdoorsy parents think is a brilliant way to spend the holiday season.
Sure, your parents are happy to trade your childhood memories and the experience of a holiday in their comfortable home for this crack den on wheels, and you're happy they're happy.
But is their happiness that all that matters? No, no it's not.
You may not be able to change the circumstances around your holiday, but you can manage your emotions without controlling them by letting out a scream.
This pillow will come in handy since you'll need something to muffle the echo when you're screaming in the woods.
It's also a very ugly pillow, so you won't feel bad punching it or ripping it open with your teeth.
If anybody asks any questions, tell 'em the woods bring out your animal instincts.