The Person You Grew Up To Be Based On Your Favorite Childhood Cereal
There used to be a time when nobody could pronounce "quinoa" and consuming twice your daily allotment of sugar was considered part of a balanced breakfast.
The world was a beautiful place.
Most people end up abandoning cereal for breakfast in favor of oatmeal, granola bars and (realistically) nothing at all, but unless you grew up with a hyphenated last name in a house with no TV, it was likely a morning staple.
I don't know if you can actually tell a lot about a person based on his or her taste in cereal, but that's not going to stop me from trying.
I have a theory that the food you ate for breakfast in your formative years had a bigger impact than you'd think, and as far as I'm concerned, the onus is on you to prove me wrong.
Cap'n Crunch: You know there's no pleasure without pain.
Adding milk to cereal is a great way to add calcium to your diet, and adding Cap'n Crunch to your breakfast is a great way to increase your iron intake thanks to the blood pouring from the cuts on the roof of your mouth.
As an adult: You probably went to see "50 Shades Of Grey" on opening night.
French Toast Crunch: You appreciate the finer things in life.
There's a reason everyone freaked out when General Mills announced French Toast Crunch was coming back, and that's because French Toast Crunch was the best cereal ever made.
As an adult: You probably enjoy caviar, foie gras and Peanut Butter Half Baked Ben and Jerry's because you have a sophisticated palate.
Frosted Flakes: You don't really take the long-term consequences into consideration.
Frosted Flakes are grrrrrrreat -- at least until the milk washes all the frosting off after 30 seconds, and you're basically eating a bowl of cornflakes.
As an adult: You've probably gotten drunk and tried to jump off of a roof into a pool three stories below.
Cookie Crisp: Your parents gave up on you pretty early on.
There's a direct correlation between regularly eating cookies for breakfast and being the youngest child.
As an adult: You probably have eaten actual cookies for breakfast.
Any chocolate cereal: You know the long-term is the only thing that really matters.
I don't have any strong feelings about any of the cereal listed above, but I do have strong feelings for their byproduct: the bowl of chocolate milk waiting for you at the end of the tunnel.
As an adult: You probably contribute as much as you're legally allowed into your 401(k) every month.
Fruity Pebbles: You were only in it for whatever flavor that milk was.
Your tongue is probably broken if you don't like chocolate milk, and I'm glad I live in a world where it's fairly easy to track some down whenever you want to live a little more luxuriously.
However, the oddly tangy dairy product that remains when the Fruity Pebbles are gone is something you can't find anywhere else (probably because it would be illegal to market it to children).
As an adult: You've probably bought Peeps flavored milk. Psycho.
Lucky Charms: You're willing to deal with a whole lot of bullsh*t for a sweet reward.
There's only one reason to buy Lucky Charms, and it has nothing to do with "frosted toasted oat cereal" (there's a reason you won't find that being sold in 8-pound bags on Amazon).
As an adult: You probably self-identify as a "freegan" and spend the majority of your free time in dumpsters.
Cereal in a bag: You had a deprived childhood.
I'm not going to knock on people who were raised on knockoff cereals, but there's something about an anthropomorphic toucan staring at you while you eat that just makes things taste better.
As an adult: Your version of Netflix is the woman selling bootleg DVDs out of a cart on the subway.
Kix: You ate what your mom told you to eat because you had no other options.
Ignoring the vastly superior berry version, Kix is a great cereal to eat when you want to be incredibly underwhelmed with every bite.
As an adult: You probably still do whatever your mother tells you to do.
Raisin Bran: You had a deprived childhood, but at least you had regular bowel movements.
When the most exciting part of your breakfast was digging through the box for a few extra raisins, you know you missed out in a major way.
As an adult: You probably poop at the exact same time at work every single day.
Raisin Bran Crunch: Raisin Bran is the only other cereal you had.
It might be underwhelming compared to cereals made entirely of high fructose corn syrup, but I don't have anything bad to say about Raisin Bran Crunch -- if it's good enough for Walt Jr., it's good enough for me.
As an adult: You probably still eat Raisin Bran Crunch every single morning.
Cheerios: You started monitoring your cholesterol way too early in life.
Honey Nut Cheerios might be the most slept-on cereal out there, but that's an article in and of itself.
Cheerios, on the other hand, are supposedly good for you, which is a shame when you consider nothing that's healthy tastes good.
As an adult: You probably have high cholesterol because life is funny like that.
Rice Krispies: You know a meal isn't a meal -- it's a performance.
Rice Krispies are pretty terrible on their own, but I guess most people are too busy freaking out over the snap, crackle and popping thing to actually care about the flavor.
As an adult: You probably frequent your local Benihana or use the phrase "molecular gastronomy" a lot more than you probably should.
Trix: You like to support companies that endorse blatant discrimination.
As a kid, I used to laugh at that silly rabbit's fruitless quest for a bowl of fruity cereal, but as I grew up, I became increasingly disturbed by his repeated failures and the implication of the "Trix are for kids" tagline.
I can't in good conscience endorse such an openly prejudicial cereal. Trix should be for everybody, including silly rabbit.
As an adult: You've probably patronized a Chick-fil-A in Indiana while wearing a shirt from Urban Outfitters.
Wheaties: You are more about marketing than the product itself.
Wheaties is the "Breakfast of Champions," so I can only assume the prerequisite for being a champion is not having functioning taste buds. I think I'd rather be a loser.
As an adult: You probably own a pair of Beats.
Fruit Loops= ALL HAIL TOUCAN SAM, ETERNAL LORD OF THE MASCOTS.
There's one major similarity between cereals with "Fruit" in their name: They're all identical in flavor -- a flavor that tastes nothing like any fruit I've had before.
Consequently, I've come to realize most people pick their favorite fruity cereal based on whatever cartoon salesman did his job best.
If you were a fan of Fruit Loops, you probably said the words "Praise to Toucan Sam, Fruiter Of The Loops" before you started eating every morning.
As an adult: You bought insurance from Geico because of the funny camel.
Apple Jacks= You might have never tasted an apple before.
I personally try to avoid foods that lie to me (looking at you, bowl of sour cream I thought was yogurt), so I'm not going to waste more words on this cereal until its name changes to Tastes Nothing Like Apple Jacks.
As an adult: You probably took a shot of Fireball last weekend.