This One Facebook Feature Is The Reason We Can't Escape Our Exes

by Samira Behrouzan
Michela Ravasio

This morning, I woke up, got ready for work and stopped into one of my favorite local breakfast spots. Considering I was alone and didn't want to look like a total creep, I began my morning routine of lurking, stalking, Instagramming and Facebooking, which is my version of keeping up with my friends.

Everything was going great. People got engaged, some popped out babies, I had some quality laughs courtesy of 9GAG and life was good. All until I went to check the one Facebook notification I had. It started off with, “You have memories with Kevin, Darren and three others to look back on today.”

Given that those are two people I share some quality memories with, I decided to click on the notification in the hopes I would take a nice trip down memory lane. Instead, what I got was, “On this day in 2012, you traveled to San Diego and met the guy who made your life miserable for the past four years."

OK fine, it didn't exactly say that, but it might as well have. I legit had to evolve from Pikachu to Raichu just to get over this person, and the last thing I would like to do is remember him.

Too soon Facebook, too soon. I mean, what's next? Are you going to pull up memories from when I used to wear onesies in high school with Uggs and faux permed hair and tried to convince everyone it was real? Because I am not ready.

I can't be the only person who thinks it's incredibly shady it lists two people it knows you're cool with and camouflages the rest by naming them the “others.” As far as I'm concerned, “The Others” was a creepy movie about how people were dead or not dead. (I was never really sure.) As far as resurrecting memories with "others" whom Facebook won't even dare to mention, I think I'm good on that one.

In any case, what I don't understand is, how is there not a filter for that stuff? How are the engineers at Facebook not aware of the fact this human is no longer in my life? Google Maps knows where I'm going every time I get in the car before I even know where I'm going, and you're telling me that by deductive reasoning, these engineers can't figure out that no pictures, posts or mention of Human X on my feed or page would mean that X + Y = No?

I'm not saying all Facebook memories are terrible. I've stumbled upon a few from college that made me laugh. There are even some posts between me and my friends where I have no idea what the hell we were even talking about because everything was in code (just in case our parents hacked our pages or something).

All I know is, we do not need any of the memories that have anything to do with any of our exes. If someone is an ex, I'm going to make the assumption that person is an ex for a reason.

So, if there's a feature that can modify the whole memories thing to filter and remove those specific ones and leave all the great ancient posts intact, then I would be really happy. If not, I guess we are all doomed. We will just have to live life, waking up every morning with the hopes today won't be the day we'll have to painfully reminisce.