Yesterday, I was at a barbershop, waiting to get my hair cut, and they had coverage of the DNC in Philly on the TV. I sat there (already nervous because I hate talking to people when they have sharpened blades hovering so close to my skull) watching the screen — and was promptly thrust to the precipice of a panic attack.
The first day of the DNC was total, absolute mayhem.
Protests rang out at regular intervals, there were standing ovations and booing (Bernie literally got booed by his own supporters) and the news anchor's voice that I was watching kept cracking because he was too hyped-up on the mania of it all.
When I got home, I immediately had a beer. Then another. Then another. And voila! I no longer cared about the future of my country for a while. In fact, drinking is the perfect medicine for those who have come down with "givingashititus," an extremely painful ailment that takes a hold of the average young American usually every four years or so.
Symptoms of givingashititus include:
- Carpal tunnel syndrome (due to excessive social media combat)
- Diarrhea (of the soul)
- Threatening to moving to Canada like an asshole on Twitter
(Other remedies for givingashititus include marijuana, sex and buying stuff).
So, when I came into work today, I decided it was my civic duty to help us all anesthetize ourselves from the impending destruction of our nation (by a man running a campaign essentially called "IT'S OK TO BE RACIST AGAIN 2016") by turning the DNC into a drinking game.
Please ignore our collective problems responsibly. (Also this is a joke game. Don't play this game. It's a joke. If you play it, you will die).