Your Coworkers' Lunch Tells You Everything You Need To Know About Them
It's certainly possible to become closer with your coworkers by doing things like "asking them questions" and "engaging in conversation," but I prefer to get to know people better by silently observing their actions over time and coming to my own conclusions about their personalities.
I'm going to tell myself it's not as creepy as I just made it sound.
I once took an entry level psychology class, so it's more than safe to say I'm overqualified to analyze others based on their various idiosyncrasies and seemingly minor details of their daily routines.
What they eat for lunch is one of those things.
If you want to get to know your coworkers, I'd suggest you hang around the kitchen in the early afternoon and hope people don't realize you're staring at them.
There's no better way to get a feel for who they are... you know, besides interacting with them.
These people are fairly underwhelming but have figured out ways to cover up that fact with various distractions.
You might think they're helping you out, but there's always a good chance they're going to end up doing more harm than good in the long run.
They will also occasionally smell like a vampire hunter covered in cloves of garlic drinking a glass of bleu cheesing dressing to celebrate a successful hunt.
These are the people who are too lazy to bring their own lunch but too cheap to buy a real one. Much like pizza, they're never in short supply, always do a satisfactory job and tend to be greasy and cheesy.
People who prefer this option usually aren't super picky about the pizza itself, but they'll refuse to walk into any restaurant unless it offers a free can of soda (usually a Diet Dr. Pepper) with the purchase of two slices.
IMPORTANT: If your coworker eats his or her pizza with a fork, avoid all contact with that person unless you want to know what it feels like to be stabbed by one.
It might not be politically correct, but I'm incredibly cautious of anyone who still eats bread in 2015.
As the Wrap Era slowly gives way to the Bowl Era, I find it hard to believe people who go out of their way to include more carbs in their diet aren't stuck in the past in other ways too.
These are the people who are going to ask for your help with sending an email one day. Run. Run away as fast as you can.
Chinese food (the inauthentic kind with $5.99 lunch specials) is a paradoxical battle between exotic and generic cuisine, and the people who order it for lunch tend to be the ones who'd rather enjoy the moment and worry about the long-term repercussions when they have a heart attack at their desk at the age of 32.
Regularly ordering sushi for lunch is a lot like paying your own cellphone bill or ordering top shelf liquor without asking the bartender the price first -- it's a great way to scream "I'm more successful than you are" without having to say a word.
The one consolation is that frequently ordering raw fish for lunch is a numbers game -- everyone is equal when holding back tears on the toilet.
It's not that these people has no respect for their fellow employees -- they apparently just don't understand the unspoken laws of nature that allow us to peacefully coexist with other human beings.
They don't want to watch the word burn, they want to catapult it into the Sun.
It would be a real shame if someone happened to misinterpret one of their compliments and ended up reporting them to HR.
This is an easy one: People who eat burritos obviously like the various components of their life compartmentalized as much as possible and combined into an efficient, satisfying and easy-to-digest format (and who more than are aware guacamole costs extra).
These people will also fart more than everybody else.
Any of the above, delivered
They think their time is more valuable than it really is. Unless their job title begins with "C" and ends with "O," this is not the case.
Something from home
Frugal, responsible, forward-thinking: These are the qualities you look for in the ideal employee, and they're going to make you feel awful about yourself for spending $10 every day while they wash out their Tupperware in the kitchen sink.
Nobody likes an overachiever.
Who needs food when you have a bottle of water mixed with lemon juice and cayenne pepper that you can use as an excuse to talk about your cleanse as much as possible over the course of the day?