Cooking Fails That Could Have Easily Been Avoided By Not Cooking

Cooking is like sex: It's only fun when you have to do very little.

My idea of cooking involves local, humanely-raised, non-GMO, cruelty-free tortilla chips and tuna straight out of a can (this, incidentally, is also my idea of sex).

Basically, I cook like this.

I keep everything as simple as possible. Because I know, for me, using cooking utensils is a recipe -- PUN INTENDED, YOU MOTHERF*CKERS --, ahem, for disaster.

Honestly, in most people's hands, a cooking utensil is as volatile as weapon-grade plutonium or a drunk Mel Gibson.

Please see the photographs below for evidence regarding this matter.

Exhibit A: Pots. You are not Gordon Ramsay. Just stop using pots.


Never use pots. They were not meant for people like you. People like you were meant to clap at funerals and adopt stray birds.

Pots are, at all times, trying to humiliate or kill you.

Pots are like horses. They can tell when you are afraid. And that's when they revolt.

Seriously, get all the pots out of your home immediately. They are bloodthirsty creatures.


Horror movie idea: A group of college kids are in a cabin in the woods when, one by one, they get their skulls demolished by furious pot-ghosts from the civil war. Working title: "The Emancipation POTclamation!"

Exhibit B: Ovens. F*ck ovens.

Sure, they were very effective in helping Sylvia Plath out, but she used them for a different reason.

Exhibit C: Knives. This should not be complicated. Knives are used for killing people.

This looks like something the trash monster from "Spirited Away" might've sharted. Yeah, that was an anime reference on Elite Daily, folks. Brand new age. Get used to it, dingleberries! I'm here to stay!

Know what else is used for killing people? Guns. You would not cook using a gun.

This photo is going to make me cry.

Exhibit D: Everything else.

The silver lining here is that now he has a bowl AND and a boomerang.

Pasta is Italian. Mussolini was Italian. Wise up, America!

Also "colander" is a weird word. Because, honestly, it should be the name of a flower that is of very high rank.

I think I've made my point. Now please turn your attention to these ringing examples of smart people...

I salute you, soldier.

Who have figured out, as I have, cooking utensils are instruments of the devil...

This, for those of you who don't know as much about sports as I do, is a badminton racquet.

...and, at all times, food is trying to kill you.

Never cook again.