What It Would Look Like If Typical Facebook Statuses Were Honest
Facebook has changed tremendously over the years, but one thing has remained constant: Whenever changes happen, users will threaten to move to some other, better social network before realizing it doesn't exist and starting the cycle anew.
The worst part is those changes don't even have to exist for people to start rebelling -- you may have noticed this last week when the people who drank too many energy drinks in high school started posting some version of the absurd privacy notice that has never done and will never do anything.
Even if you were lucky enough to miss this copied and pasted exercise in futility, you probably saw it the last time everyone was convinced Facebook was going to start charging a fee or selling your grainy profile pictures or murdering kittens for fun.
However, useless disclaimers are far from the only reoccurring statuses you're forced to deal with during your time on Facebook.
I put together a list of a few of the most common themes and translations to make it easier to figure out what the person is trying to say.
Most of the time it isn't much.
The Private Person
What They're Trying To Say
You know who's even worse than The Private Person? The people who precede the world's worst legalese with "better safe than sorry," as if acknowledging the fact they might be saying something stupid cancels out the stupidity.
It's kind of like when my girlfriend tries to get me to watch movies based on the works of John Green or Nicholas Sparks. There's a chance they might be good, and there's also a chance a black hole will form and suddenly erase all traces of human existence.
Sometimes it's better to just not.
The Saleswoman
What They're Trying To Say
I know a few people who have accidentally gotten a "job" painting houses or selling knives to family members that required an upfront investment and an almost inevitable sense of disappoint when you realize you bought into a pyramid scheme.
They were lucky enough to learn their lesson early on in life. The same can't be said for the people peddling skin care products and miracle diet cures on their personal Facebook accounts.
The Romantic
What They're Trying To Say
There are obviously couples out there who constantly post intimate photos and statuses that make you gag a little bit who are in a perfectly happy relationship, and I feel I should make it clear this entry isn't motivated by spite.
However, in my experience over the past few years, the people who post these types of statuses tend to be the type of people who post the exact same things with a different person three months later.
The Political Scientist
What They're Trying To Say
I'm sure there's at least one status like this that has resulted in two people coming to an amicable agreement concerning a divisive topic after discussing the various intricacies of their personal political philosophy.
However, there are infinitely more that have ended with broken friendships, shattered families and free entertainment for anyone who was lucky enough to watch the exchange unfold.
The Humanitarian
What They're Trying To Say
If you perform a good deed and there's nobody there to reward you for it, did you really do a good deed at all?
According to these people, the answer is "Oh, yeah? Well, at least I did SOMETHING!"
