12 Candle Scents For Men That Won't Compromise Traditional Masculinity

by Taylor Ortega
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Gendering products that don't need to be gendered is what makes America the greatest country in the former Republic of Pangea.

Over the years, Bath & Body Works created scents like “Black Tie,” “Boathouse Row” and “Flannel” in dark, understated colors for manly men to enjoy with their tough-ass noses and eyeballs.

In 2011, “Shark Tank” contestant Johnson Bailey unveiled The Original Man Candle line, expanding the candle spectrum even more by introducing scents like “Fart” and “Freedom.”

The line was born out of a necessity for a smell Bailey didn't consider “a vanilla, lavender, foo-foo scented candle,” but the line stops short at six scents.

Six scents?! That number is a brazen act of sexism when you consider the options customers of traditionally “feminine” candles are afforded.

Now, the Ron Swansons among us who can't cop to loving the smell of “Fresh Cut Lilacs” in fear of losing respect from society can enjoy an even wider array of manly scents, thanks to the Traditional Masculinity Collection.

Scents include...

Ground Beef

Yum, bro, is it taco night? You got burgers going? This candle, which smells like savory beef chunks fresh off the skillet, will keep your stomach growling and your bros jealous.

That Raccoon I Killed

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Remember that raccoon that kept digging through your trash at night and leaving used condoms all over the lawn? You can relive the moment you nailed him between the eyes with a slingshot every time you light this hand-poured candle. You named the raccoon after your favorite uncle, Greg, before you mounted him because dammit if you didn't respect him. Now, smell your victory at your leisure.

Unprotected Sex

If you're a single guy with a rational fear of disease, unprotected sex just isn't on the schedule most nights. When you set the mood with this candle, you can get as close to the real, raw thing as possible with a soothing combination of ecstasy, regret and sandalwood.

Firm Handshake

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You can literally feel the weight of another man's hand on your hand every time you take a whiff of this fat jar of wax. Sit back, relax and pretend your boss finally respects you with this signature scent.

The Big Game

Gone are the days of memorizing stats to prove you have a penis. This massive candle does the work for you. The Big Game triple-wicked floor candle is among our most impressive products. At 3 feet tall, this thing will last season after season of sports wins.

Wayne Gretzky Poster

Aw, sh*t. Remember that sweet poster of The Great One you bought at your elementary school book fair? Remember tacking him to your wall, telling him about your day and hugging him when puberty got tough? The smell of your favorite poster isn't lost forever. You can revisit the bossest moments of your childhood with our set of Wayne Gretzky Poster tea lights.

Beer With My Dad

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You two don't always see eye to eye, especially when it comes to politics, but he's your old man, and you love him. Often you'll think back to summers at the shore, sharing a beer with the man whose penis made your penis. At the end of a long day spent trying to earn his approval, spark up one of these bad boys and practice what you'll say to him on his death bed.

Boob I Saw

A man's first boob sighting, aside from the ones he saw nursing as a baby, is a thrilling event. Let the swirling scents of Phoebe Cates, “Titanic” and sandalwood take you back to a simpler time.

Poker Night At My Boy Jeff's House

Ever wished you could spend every night at Jeff's poker game instead of just one night a month? Of course, you do. Dude always has hot snacks like pizza bagels and taquitos, plus a fridge full of beer and a regulation-size poker table, making the whole game feel almost too legit. Life might prevent this from becoming a nightly reality, but the scent of onion dip mingling with cigar smoke and sandalwood creates a candle that will instantly transport you to J's basement.

Jeremy Piven

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Dude's reckless. "PCU"? "Entourage"? The "Entourage" movie? The trailer for the "Entourage" movie? He's a legend. While you might never be lucky enough to call him one of your boys, you can search for a photo of him on Google Images and bull sh*t with him while you enjoy the intoxicating scent of his essence.

Big F*cking Eagle

For a couple months, an eagle would perch on your back porch in the evenings. You'd make direct eye contact with him as you fed him live mice. Obviously, he turned out to be a small hawk, not a badass eagle, but your connection with the most dignified creature of all time remains. Honor his memory, and light your dining room with a candle made from the natural oils of live bald eagles. The odor of our collection of tapered Big F*cking Eagle candles is as pungent and gamey as it is patriotic. After all, these are majestic creatures deserving of the utmost reverence.

Grand Theft Auto

Accents of Mountain Dew, Hot Pockets, stagnant, jarred urine and sandalwood blend to perfection in this recent addition to the collection. Seconds after lighting the wick, you can almost physically feel your avatar hijacking an automobile and plowing over a prostitute without stopping to take a second glance. At just $12.99 a pop, these candles are much cheaper than any video game.

Tell the world you're a man in the age-old, one-dimensional sense, and get yourself a Traditional Masculinity Collection candle today.