13 Things Less Awkward Than Lincoln Chafee's Debate Performance
So Lincoln Chafee had a very bad time at the Democratic debate last night.
For those of you who don't know Mr. Chafee, he's the one with around the same amount of oratory finesse as a dog barking at a barn.
For lower-profile candidates like Mr. Chafee, these debates are a great time for them to rise through the ranks and make their way into the public eye. And in that sense, I guess, Chafee's performance last night was actually a success.
Although, if getting public attention was the former Rhode Island governor and senator's primary goal, he might as well have just ripped his shirt off and started giving himself purple nurples on live television -- because that would've probably been less awkward than what he did.
Apart from just generally making everyone cringe with embarrassment whenever he spoke, two particularly spectacular mess-ups stood out.
The first most awkward moment in history was when he essentially admitted he had no idea what he was voting for when he voted to repeal an act meant to regulate banks.
And the second was when he attacked Hilary Clinton for her email fiasco and set up both her and Bernie Sanders to shut him down with the ferocity and ease of Lebron James dunking on a crying toddler.
It was so awkward I eventually had to turn my TV to mute whenever he opened his lipless mouth (seriously, Voldemort is probably a better kisser).
In fact, for the sake of posterity, here is a list of 13 things LESS awkward than Mr. Chafee's performance last night:
1. Catching your parents having sex.
2. Your parents catching you having sex.
3. Calling someone “mom.”
4. Farting when you have an orgasm.
5. Having an orgasm when you fart.
"I'll have what she's having!" (Beans.)
6. Joe Biden giving you a shoulder massage.
Less awkward (unless you are both in a sauna).
7. Telling someone you love them and having them just mutter “word?” and keep watching "Scandal."
To be fair, that show is very engrossing.
8. Accidentally touching a stranger's boob with your elbow while standing in line.
9. Waving at someone who isn't waving at you.
10. Anne Hathaway.
Barely less awkward.
11. Having someone open up your laptop and there are 36 incognito porn tabs open.
"No, I read Hotf*ckparty.com for the articles!"
12. Going to kiss someone on the cheek but picking the wrong cheek, then trying to adjust and ending up kissing them right on the lips.
13. Someone finding out you thought the electoral college was just a really good school.
Yes, less awkward.