After waiting long, frigid months, the best time of year is finally upon us: good friends, great outfits and ice-cold beer. Oh, and the music, of course. It's freakin' summer concert season, baby!
Whether you're fending for yourself on the mudslide of a lawn, in a broken folding chair, a luxury box with free popcorn or in the gritty pit, going to a concert can sometimes feel like you're an extra in “Dirty Dancing.” Regardless of the section that's printed on your ticket, you're inevitably going to run into these six very specific types of dancers this summer concert season:
1. The Champ
There is certainly no evidence of the Mirror Ball Trophy anywhere, but fancy feet is absolutely going to perform like they just found out they got paired with one of the Chmerkovskiy brothers on the next season of "Dancing With the Stars." Despite the fact that there are hardly any songs at Firefly that are saturated in Tango undertones and there's barely enough room for even the tiniest of tinies to cross their legs, The Champ will still insist on executing a proper box step.
Karina didn't even make it with a Chmerkovskiy, I doubt a Twisted Tea-fueled performance will score anything remotely close to a perfect score.
2. The Neck Brace
An entire stadium could have their lighters — excuse me, cell phones — swaying back and forth to fully experience a power ballad in all its glory, and all this piece of work will hear is Willow Smith's “Whip My Hair.” They may not know rhythm, reason or scoliosis just yet, but I can guarantee they have a good standing relationship with an orthopedist. And a chiropractor. They're probably one stamp away from $10 off their next visit.
If you happen to find yourself in a situation with a Neck Brace in your nearby surroundings, make sure you cover your drink and temples.
3. The Screaming Monkey
Perhaps the toxic mix of deliriously humid conditions and an aggressive supply of overpriced tropical drinks served in guitars cups has this wild thang thinking they're right at home in the jungle. Do not be alarmed. You most likely won't find Curious George swinging from the rafters, climbing up scaffolding or picking bugs off of fans around them; this special kind of species tends to only use their voices. There is no movement. No facial expressions. Not even a pound on the chest. Just a toxic combination of howling, screeching and grunting.
Ear plugs would certainly be beneficial a situation with a Screaming Monkey, except for the obvious fact that you came to enjoy a f*cking concert, so just do your best to keep your distance.
4. The Belding
The big bopper's feet will be fastened to the beer-stained floor for the duration of the show. Nodding. Observing. Bopping. A Belding is usually pretty easy to spot, just look for a hard comb-over and/or their Members Only jacket tied around their waist.
5. The Shredder
Never trained in dancing or instrumental music, but they'll shred the hell out of a crowd chant. Oh, you didn't know you could play air-guitar to the sound of girls shaky voices screaming “JUS-TIN, JUS-TIN”? Pay close attention next time. The real hardcore ones even carry picks and perform solos during the wave.
6. The Toe Jammer
This master of movement can manipulate any of the aforementioned dance schools just enough to land you in the ER. Unless you paired some steel-toed boots with your crop top and flower crown, you are not safe. They can — and will — put together a screaming, air-shredding, hair-whipping bopping tango while crushing your freshly pedicured toes.
Be safe out there.
To ensure you and your squad make the most of your summer shows, you should probably start choreographing a little something now. Maybe even seek the help of a professional. When it all comes down to it, those who don't move aren't moved by the music.