25 People Who Would Be Much Better Off Just Staying Inside All Summer

Summer has reared its ugly, sweaty skull and is ready to gobble us up. Get your makeshift air conditioners and weapons-grade deodorant ready because it's happening, and it's happening right now.

Some people do summer well. I've seen and met them. They are strolling around with their skin glowing in the dark from vitamin D, their sea salt hair bleached gold by the sun, their hands wrapped around pearly, gallon-sized iced coffees. They are the lucky ones.

I am not like them.

No, my people are the sweaty masses, stuffed together on subways like inhumanely-raised factory farm chickens, tossing and turning all night in the gross, satanic heat of the New York summer.

When I am on the beach, people smile at me -- but only because they think I have just recovered from a usually fatal disease. I am so white that my body reflects the sun back at itself, and the sun squints.

My people are the ones covered in sunscreen; my people are the ones covered in red, urine-soaked jellyfish stings; my people are the ones covered in mosquito bites and peeling skin; my people... my people are terrible at summer.

My people have excellent luck with summer weather.

My people diss Poseidon and supply their own cool water...

...and know luxury means watering down champagne with sea water.

We are excellent at computer-using...

...and getting drunk (and eventually passing out) with seals.

My people wear amazing bathing suits such as these custom bikinis, which cover our famously off-center butt cracks...

...and swim trunks with extra-elastic waistbands for easy dick-gazing...

...as well as very sexy speedos that liquify our magnificent genitalia.

Speaking of genitalia, my people are subtle, and always discrete.

In general, we are intelligent and capable citizens...

...known throughout the land as careful drivers...

 ...who always keep their eyes on the road...

...as well as the sea.

In fact, my great great uncle was once a famous ship captain. Was.

Oh, and my people have beautiful, healthy skin...

...and rarely fall asleep while eating soup in the blazing sun.

Plus, the fashion sense of my people is matched only...

...by our superior elegance and class.

We like to have fun, but we always make sure to take the absolutely necessary precautions...

...to protect our aristocratic bodies.

My people are proud and respected and only occasionally cry a lot immediately after getting a spray tan.

My people are known as great parents and teachers...

...who raise their children to value safety and responsibility.

We're doing our best...

 ...and occasionally, we manage to do it right.