I've never been a fan of Valentine's Day. I remember in elementary school we were allowed to wear red, pink or white on that day.
You know, these are appropriate "Valentine's Day colors," according to the world.
We would send candy grams and flowers to friends or crushes. It was a yearly ritual of anxiety for me, sitting on my desk and waiting, hoping, I got at least one candy gram.
Don't worry; this story doesn't end in a Gretchen Wieners situation. I got candy grams. Not to brag too hard, but I even got a few carnations back in my day.
But the thing about Valentine's Day is, if it's a day when society expects us to get gifts, at least give us something we want, right?
Give us something useful that won't die in the next two days, something that will make us fat, but doesn't say "Be Mine" on it.
That's too much pressure. Here are 10 useful gifts your significant other will appreciate:
1. File our taxes.
C'mon, no one likes doing taxes. Except my mother-in-law, I guess, but she's kind of a control freak. Hi, Momma!
This is a truly romantic Valentine's Day gift. It says sit back, relax and wait for your return, baby.
2. New tires are always appreciated.
Don't spend your money on expensive jewelry we will only wear on anniversaries; our car needs more love than we do.
And we really hate shopping for tires, probably even more than filing our taxes.
3. Automatic coffee makers will save you time in the morning.
You set a time and the next morning, your kitchen smells magical, and all you gotta do is pour yourself a cup.
Someone still needs to prepare the coffee the night before, and that's usually after you've made dinner, washed the dishes and are finally in the perfect couch potato position for the latest Netflix marathon.
So prep the coffee for us, honey, will ya?
4. Flowers die, diamonds are expensive, but a Chick-fil-A chicken sandwich is forever.
Or, you know, stays forever on the hips. And that's awesome.
But beware guys, V-Day falls on a Sunday this year, so maybe make this an early present and go on Saturday. Oh, and get the large fry. Always get the large fry.
5. Give a lifetime supply of Midol.
My husband knows what I'm talking about. This would help avoid those desperate late-night CVS runs.
6. Give the gift of cheese.
Because cheese. And wine, if you're a true friend.
7. Refill the iTunes account.
We all know the pain and humiliation that comes with "Not Enough Credit" after you click rent.
So, refill that account with as much as you see fit. Hopefully, with enough for five movie rentals, and not just the 99¢ ones.
8. Reading keeps friends friendly.
Stalk her Goodreads account.
Look through "To Read" list.
9. Fill our gas tank all the way up.
Yes, there's more than one car maintenance related favor on this list.
Maybe I shouldn't be allowed to have a car.
10. Give coupons for an hour of your love.
Because sex is still a good idea, Valentine's Day or not. Plus, your partner will appreciate the "Friends" reference.
If you're the kind of person who sends out Christmas wish list emails to your family right after Thanksgiving, you get what I'm talking about.
And if you want to participate in the Valentine's Day tradition of documenting the sh*t out of the presents you got, then make a list of your own.
But remember to ask your friends and partner to make a list, too.
Valentine's Day should be about equality, people, and we all need our taxes done.