This weekend, "Fifty Shades of Grey" is expected to gross upward of $60 million dollars at the box office, which seems like a lot of money when you consider the number of people you'd think would still pay for softcore pornography in 2015.
The series of adapted "Twilight" erotica has an undying legion of female fans, and you can be sure at least a few guys are going to begrudgingly go to the theater on Valentine's Day to preserve their hopes of having undoubtedly kinky sex afterwards.
I'm willing to assume, however, that sitting through a glorified Cinemax After Dark movie isn't how a lot of guys will want to spend valuable moments of their weekend, and I'm also willing to assume a lot of guys will make some impressive sacrifices to avoid it.
If women really want to have a good time this weekend, they should wait to see "Fifty Shades Of Grey" and offer one of these admittedly stereotypical options as an ultimatum.
Get a wax
You might want your boyfriend to get a taste of the BDSM experience, but he probably won't want to do it in a darkened theater surrounded by 100 lonely women living vicariously through Anastasia.
Instead, pay a visit to a spa and have someone remove some hair from his body by tearing it out at the root. He'll get to experience all of the pain and shame that comes with "Fifty Shades Of Grey," and he'll look better for doing so.
Pretend to enjoy any other "romantic" movie
I don't want to offend the word "romantic" by using it to describe "Fifty Shades Of Grey," but I'd also hate to offend people concerned with the perpetuation of gender norms by calling them "chick flicks." Either way, you get the idea.
Have you've been trying to get your boyfriend to watch "The Notebook" only to have him refuse because he's a reasonable person? This is your chance to gain the upper hand. Don't let it slip away.
Read "Fifty Shades Of Grey"
As you might have guessed by now, I don't consider myself the biggest fan of "Fifty Shades Of Grey," but it does have certain elements I can appreciate -- namely the parts with the sex.
I recently discovered the movie had declined to adapt a scene where the title character somehow makes tampon removal erotic, and after finding out the novel has a scene like that, I'm actually curious what other ridiculous sex acts are contained within its pages.
I won't pay money for a movie that removes the best parts, but I'll waste a few hours of my time reading them.
Literally look at 50 shades of grey
The only thing worse than shopping for paint is having to sit through the upcoming movie with a title that could describe your experience.
Actually try bondage
Even if he's not into the lifestyle, I think getting whipped while gagged and tied to a bed would still be less painful (and embarrassing) than being in the theater for two hours.
It might lead to sex, but even if it doesn't, it's still the preferable option.
Go candle shopping
I assume the words "Now smell this one" appear somewhere in "Fifty Shades Of Grey," but I'd be willing to hear that phrase 40 times in a row if it meant not having to watch two people have weird, awkward, simulated sex.
Deal with Valentine's Day bullsh*t
From $65 dinners to flowers that cost twice what you'd pay any other day of the year, doing Valentine's Day the way you're expected to requires a whole lot of effort for sex you probably would have gotten anyway.
Figure out how Pinterest works
I don't have the statistic to back this up, but from what I can tell, women make up approximately 100 percent of Pinterest users (one study says it's closer to 80 percent, but I've never been one to trust statistics over my unsubstantiated opinion).
From what I've been told, the platform is a great way to share fun recipes, cute outfits and adorable arts and crafts -- also known as "things most men really don't care about."
With that being said, I'd rather learn how to pin something than watch Whatever Her Name Is get pinned to the wall.
Talk about emotions and feelings and dumb stuff like that
I'm sure there are some men out there who have no problem clearly expressing their emotions, and they're better people than I'll ever be.
An aversion to everything involving feelings might not be a universal trait amongst men, but I also don't know a ton of guys who have monthly phone calls with their friends "just to catch up."
If you've been wanting to have one of those chats that ends with someone crying, this weekend is the perfect opportunity.
Share their honest opinion about your problems
At the risk of wandering into network sitcom territory, most people have had a moment where they could have been brutally honest with their significant others but decided to keep their mouths shut to ensure they'd still have one at the end of the conversation.
Part of being in a healthy relationship is being able to say exactly what's on your mind, but even the healthiest relationship has moments where doing that simply isn't practical.
If you've had any burning questions lately, you might be able to use this to your advantage.