10 Reasons Why Personal Trainers Are The Most Annoying People On The Planet

Disclaimer: This post is satirical and meant to be humorous. 

Seriously, is there anything more annoying than a personal trainer?

It seems you can’t walk out the door, turn on a TV or log onto a social media account without being bombarded by some 'roided up douche or douchette in tights, screaming abusive "motivation" or misquoting Abraham Lincoln.

Well, you know what, personal trainers? We hate you.

Not only are you annoying, but judging by our skyrocketing obesity rates, you are also highly incompetent. Given that it took you less than three weeks to become "qualified," this is hardly a surprise. Here are 10 reasons why we hate you:

1. Lifting weights doesn't make you a life coach.

We don't need to be "inspired" by you. We’re doing just fine. Just remember who can afford to pay whom here.

2. You're not "living the dream."

Actually, this isn't necessarily true. You could very well be living the dream – if that "dream" happens to be being a lowly paid service worker with 56 pairs of fluorescent shoes.

3. You’re not a model.

You're just another person with access to Instagram filters.

If our lives consisted of selfies, protein shakes and brown rice, we’d look pretty good, too (we look good anyway, but assuming that, hypothetically, we didn't). Alas, the rest of us have these things called careers, which take up the majority of our time.

Also, who is taking these photos? I can only assume it's your mother, as personal trainers don't make nearly enough money to live on their own.

4. Stop wasting our time with pseudo science.

Apparently, we are all idiots for counting calories; now it's all about the macronutrients.

So, instead of wasting our time counting calories, we should basically build super computers to individually account for our daily intake of protein, carbs and fat. Makes sense to us.

5. #Cleaneating isn't anything special.

You are just eating meat and vegetables. People have literally been doing this for millions of years.

6. You have way too much energy.

Great morning for a 5 am run? No, sorry, it’s a great morning to go the f*ck back to sleep.

7. You are not a doctor.

You are a personal trainer, not a doctor. You know how to (barely) use the shoulder press machine – that's it. Don't start telling us about biochemistry or anatomy.

8. Not everyone else is lifting wrong.

Newsflash: Unless the person is head-butting a dumbbell, no one cares about your input.

If we were talking about, say, open-heart surgery, then we might be a little more interested in debating the merits of "proper" technique. One way or another, it’s exercise, which is all that really matters -- at least that’s what your Instagram account tells us three times a day.

9. Stop bragging about being outdoors.

"I just love being outdoors."

You get to "work" outdoors. Great. Prison inmates also get to occasionally work outside.

We happen to like our nice, warm, cozy offices… not to mention, all of the money that comes with our high-paying desk jobs.

10. You appear to be multiplying.

Seriously, is it just us or are three out of every four people you meet these days "professional" personal trainers? Not only does this beg the question of how this industry is even able to fund itself, but the truly terrifying part is the rate of population growth. You know what else grows fast? Viruses.

We are no mathematicians, but based on our calculations, it’s safe to say we are only hours away from the Ultra-Fit Zombie Apocalypse.

Elliot, Misha and Matt are the authors of “He’s An Asshole Anyway: How To Deal With Being Dumped According To The Assholes Themselves” available on iTunes and Amazon.

Disclaimer: This post is satirical and meant to be humorous.