An Open Letter to Pumpkin Spice Latte Haters
It has sparked tens of million debates. It has garnered 4,903,073,958 Facebook statuses, tweets and Instagram photos. It may be more polarizing than war.
I made all of those numbers up, but never before has the world been so passionately opinionated about the 12 oz cup o' enhanced joe that currently sits beside my keyboard. It's delicious. It's cinnamon-y. And it's more indicative of fall than even the changing foliage.
It's a Pumpkin Spice Latte. And this is an open letter to all of its haters.
Let me recap my morning for you. Rewind back to 7 am.
My alarm is pounding in my ears, my hair is a matted mess and my head is aching because I've yet to take my first sip of my much-needed caffeine.
I grab my phone, still emitting hellish alarm sounds, and within minutes of browsing the interwebs, I've stumbled across yet another article bashing Pumpkin Spice Lattes. In my pre-caffeine state, a slur of four-letter words run through my head. They're not directed at you, haters (because I'm a respectful scholar and a lady), but rather they're directed at your misguided opinions.
“I'm allergic,” you said.
OK. Fine. People are entitled to their allergies. You really, really don't have to write an article about it, though. And be honest, if there was a pill you could take to keep the rash down, you'd take it in a heartbeat and wash it down with the one and only PSL.
“I've never had one -- on principle,” you said.
If you've never had a PSL “on principle,” you know nothing about that life. I can get behind opposing the death penalty on principle. But not drinking a freakin' latte? Come on, Mr./Ms. Pretentious.
I advise you to 1. Get your head out of your ass and 2. Branch out and try new things.
The first thing should be something pumpkin-flavored. Baby steps -- you get it. The second, a Pumpkin Spice Latte (from Dunks, the Bux, your neighborhood cafe, etc). And the third? Maybe a good shrink.
“It's basic,” you said.
This doesn't even make sense logically. How is a coffee with added pumpkin sauce, cinnamon, milk, etc. considered basic? You know what's basic? That black coffee you are drinking.
That black coffee in that basic, ceramic, white mug is basic. And if being common/mainstream is what makes something “basic,” then it is even further proof the overwhelmingly good flavor of a PSL appeals to the masses and that you are just being an autumn Scrooge. Plus, yeah, it's a damn-near-perfect accessory to go with my infinity scarf, riding boots and white iPhone. Sue me.
“It doesn't even taste like pumpkin,” you said.
Sure, Pumpkin Spice Lattes don't taste like you just scraped out the seeds of a pumpkin and bit into it like a fresh apple.
I'm perfectly fine with my latte having just a faint pumpkin flavor. To be honest, I would not change it one bit. It is already all the good flavors without the bitterness and stringiness of the actual berry. (Did you know that a pumpkin is technically a berry? Suuuuuper weird, I know. Thanks, Google!)
Plus -- using another fan-fav as an example -- do chicken nuggets really taste like chicken? The answer is sometimes.
You've probably accepted this fact since you were a small child, and why? Because it doesn't make them any less delicious. Apply this fact to the Pumpkin Spice Latte. Oh, and if you also hate chicken nuggets… just…ugh.
“It's everywhere,” you said.
“Thank goodness,” the world responded post-sip.