Have you ever weed whacked before? Or, as normal people call it, masturbated while high? No? Just me?
Well, if you haven't partaken of this stellar and free American pastime, allow me to enlighten you: Being high while getting off is truly one of the most freeing sensations of this life.
In those shining moments, I'm able to truly let go of the Catholic guilt I was brought up under and just enjoy myself. I'm not saying I need to be high to enjoy myself in bed. Just like I don't need to be high to enjoy cinnamon twists and nacho cheese.
Of six stoner friends I asked, all admitted that weed at one time or another had played a significant part in their sex lives. For one lady friend, marijuana was integral to a year of incredible high sex with her hot boyfriend.
A guy friend at the other end of the spectrum spent a year jerking off on his couch between bong hits because weed made his girlfriend sleepy and not frisky.
Everyone is trying to get high AF before they f*ck, because it's awesome, but THC can rile you up for a roll in the sheets, or it can kill your libido like a motherf*cker.
On the one hand, Mira Gonzalez (my personal favorite f*ckboi) drank a bottle of weed lube and told the tale of a living hell. On the other hand, I've received more than one emergency text asking, “Is it normal for me to be this high and horny?”
I'm here to tell you it is.
Women and weed
The correlation between the female libido and smoking weed is the grist of stoner legend. Not only does the THC raise a woman's drive to have sex, says accepted lit wisdom, it also heightens her sexual experience.
Meaning, after a little dab or two, a female object of affection may in fact be more likely to want to have sex with you! Also, she'll probably enjoy it more than she usually pretends to!
According to TheWeedBlog:
With a life that is bombarded by bills, responsibilities and time constraints; many psychologists believe that it is these life stressors which rob females of a healthy sex life.
Weed commonly provides a de-stressing outlet, which can allow participants to set aside outside factors and be more sexually present. However, hard data establishing a direct correlation between marijuana and enhancing female libido is scant to nonexistent.
Unfortunately, the few studies conducted about pot and boning seem to have been commissioned by agents of the patriarchy, primarily focusing on how testosterone levels are raised or lowered by THC.
Men and weed
Even for men, the sex and THC connection is less than black and white. A study conducted 40 years ago found that males who smoke weed could potentially experience a decrease in testosterone levels by half.
However, in a 2003 weed-use survey of 104 Canadian men, almost 40 percent reported that smoking weed “always” increased their libido. An additional 30 percent said it "almost always" increased their libido.
Beyond that, throughout my research, laymen (the everyday dude) reported feeling “extremely” horny after smoking weed. It is clear that some special relationship must exist between marijuana and an urge to grapple naked in the bedroom.
Before you get too excited, consider a 2009 study that traces a direct correlation between smoking weed and “prematurely ejaculating.” The three male friends asked about this issue seemed unembarrassed to admit that sometimes weed spurs them into such a heightened body-and-head space, they can't last as long as they usually do.
Whether this early-pop syndrome is related to testosterone levels or a lowering of sexual inhibition is unclear. What is certain, and worth taking with you, is the 67 percent of people polled informally by Psychology Today who claimed that weed vastly improved their performance in the sheets.
Indica vs. Sativa
It's a debate as old as Pineapple Express (the movie) between stoners: Sativa or Indica? One will make you think that opening up a Hello Kitty Ice Cream shop is a good idea. The other will make you feel 100 pounds of rocks in your shoes whenever you try to stand up. But which will make you more horny?
According to a 2002 study from the Journal of Clinical Pharmacology, weed's effects on the endocrine system are undeniable. The endocrine system, as defined by Live Science, is a "collection of glands that produce hormones that regulate metabolism, growth and development, tissue function, sexual function, reproduction, sleep, and mood, among other things."
In other words, the perfect system to partner with a weed that was bred to get you out of your head and into your autonomous functions. This assumption was confirmed by six out of six friends I spoke to: All six preferred indica before getting off.
When dosed properly, indica, more of a body high, can heighten your physical sensations during sex. On the other hand, sativa helps heighten the sexual shenanigans in your brain and, users report, can be like a melding between mind and genitals.
Common-sense extrapolation suggests that hybrid blends such as Pink Kush and Island Sweet Skunk may provide superior results for f*cking while smoking. Keep in mind that only a hit or two will do. Both strains are potent.
Edibles and your sex life
Like any edible experience, the key to finding sexual bliss from a weed brownie is dosage. The chances of overdoing it are high.
The challenge with marijuana and sex—unless you're a veteran user who knows the effects of the strain—you won't know if you had too much until it's too late.
Essentially, if you're going to f*ck on edibles, take a few nibbles then get to foreplay. If you must eat an entire Green Hornet, prepare to be couch-locked Tand not playing any couch ball.
Play safe, stoners
A 2009 Australian study on sexual behavior found that men and women who consumed cannabis had “a doubling of the likelihood of reporting two or more partners.”
And even though where two is company, three is an emergent trend, stacking partners can increase the chances of opening your eyes adjacent to the genitals of someone depressing.
So, not to be a sad sack, there is a notion that smoking weed before sex may put you at potentially higher risk of considering off-menu sexual acts. But, unless you're mixing cannabis with meth, chances are your load will pop before you act out.