Zayn Malik is a robot.
Have you ever read a Tinder profile for someone who is obnoxiously good looking yet aggressively down to earth?
I'm not talking about someone who is naturally cool and seems like an honestly good person, I'm talking about someone who seems like a robot with a six-pack. The kind of person who writes “LOL! I love pizza and hanging with my pals! Mondays suck! Looking for someone who can travel or take a night in!” but looks like a Hemsworth brother who has never been near pizza and 100 percent LOVES Mondays.
That is Zayn. Zayn is a hot Millennial robot with zero emotions and a scary PR team.
The former One Direction-er and current slowly-tanking solo singer recently spoke to Paper Magazine about his relationship with Gigi Hadid and it honestly just reads as a spambot set up by Microsoft to infiltrate worldwide 20-somethings.
Read this quote. This isn't hot, this is terrifying:
I don't really enjoy going out too much and partying. I like to have my own time and be at home, and I kind of need a partner with me to do that. I just like the security of that. It feels good to me. It feels right.
He's like a sentient branded tweet when asked about what he does with Gigi:
We'll see each other tonight and probably watch a film. Netflix and chill. Yeah, we do that a lot.
Ugh, OK. Even this one is too douchey for robots to make up:
I've always said and I still stand by it: I find intelligence attractive. When I learn something from somebody and they teach me something, that's an attractive thing for me. Obviously, I find physical appearance attractive as well, but it's definitely squared more towards a personality as I've gotten older because you can't have a long-term relationship unless you get on with the person. It doesn't matter really about the exterior.
BRB, puking forever.