Oh, the beauty of the celebrity crush.
You fantasize about what it would be like to meet him or her. You will somehow stand out and woo him or her, and then eventually make babies with him or her, all while living in a lavish mansion you certainly can't afford. For most of my childhood, my celebrity crush was Amy Jo Johnson: the sexy, tough and popular pink Power Ranger on one of the greatest kids' shows ever created.
This is an innocent example, especially considering the fact that at that point in my young life, I had never experienced a wet dream. I hadn't discovered the awesomeness that was personal pocket pool, and I was years away from losing my virginity.
As I grew up (physically, at least), my hormones began running rampant. I was essentially nothing but a walking, talking boner for at least seven or eight years. This is pretty typical of all males, but there are times when I still think I may be nothing more than a walking, talking boner. The raging hormones are perpetually present.
All right, let's back up. I'm getting entirely off topic here.
For the last few years, I've only had one true celebrity crush. I feel like I know her at this point. (Sounds creepy, doesn't it?)
I become more and more infatuated with her each and every day. I could love my crush. I could cherish my crush. I could heal her broken heart better than the guy she's with now. I just know I could.
This crush -- this person who sets my mind on fire and makes my body tingle -- is none other than the infamous Taylor Swift: the beautiful, sexy, charmingly awkward songstress with the voice and personality of an angel, but with the oozing sexuality of a demon temptress. It's the perfect combination.
Here are four absolutely wonderful reasons why T-Swift would make the best girlfriend ever:
1. She's incredibly creative.
Maybe it's because I'm creative myself, but creativity is extremely attractive to me. I write my own songs. I write satire. I post regularly on a blog, and I contribute to fine publications like Elite Daily (shameless plug).
I mean, who wouldn't like a significant other to bounce ideas off of? This person could help you find the words you're searching for, and could basically be your muse. She would appreciate the little things, like a poem I'd write, a song she inspired, etc.
Also, there's a damn good chance I could get a love song written about me. That sh*t would be dope.
2. She makes being awkward an adorable thing.
I am a f*cking klutz. Always have been, always will be. I spill things constantly, I fall while going up the stairs (while sober, mind you), and I should generally stay away from things that are easily broken.
That's humiliating enough. But can you imagine how much worse this would be if it happened in front of someone you really like on a regular basis?
Now, think about this: What if that person you really like is just as awkward as you are? What if this person is just as klutzy, and you both find each other's little quirks and mishaps super cute because you both relate to one another? That would be f*cking awesome.
Imagine this scenario: We're cooking together. She bumps into the stove and knocks the pan onto the floor. Thus, she leaves our would-be dinner on the cold kitchen tile. As she bends down to pick it up, I trip over her and spill the beverages I'm carrying all over the two of us.
Would you want to be in a relationship that turns this mess into a blame game, or would you like to be in one that turns it into a gut-busting laugh fest? The latter? That's what I thought.
3. She's compassionate and charitable.
She's donated proceeds from videos and album sales to various organizations. She has never hesitated to use her star power to influence important issues in the world, and she's involved with her fans (especially the less fortunate among them).
These qualities are sexy as f*ck in a girlfriend. To show that much passion for making the world a better place, and to care so much for people you don't know personally is amazing, and it shows how she would take care of a significant other. I don't even feel like I need to elaborate any further at this point.
4. She's incredibly attractive.
OK, fine. I admit it: This one is shallow as f*ck. I don't even care. I'm a man, and my system is hardwired to search for members of the opposite sex. A perfect body, a gorgeous face, long legs and eyes that can mesmerize any human: I mean, God damn.
I can't go on enough about this one. She is the type of girl who makes a guy think (or say) things like, "I would drink her bath water." It sounds gross, but that's what Taylor does to me.
She drives me insane. I'm attracted to every inch of her mind and every inch of her body. She is the full package, and I'm not ashamed to admit my undeniable attraction to her.
There you have it, folks. These are the four indisputable reasons why Taylor Swift would make the best girlfriend in the world. Disagree? Oh well.
I'll "Shake It Off" and write something else in the "Blank Space." But Taylor, you're in my "Wildest Dreams," baby.
Also, Taylor: If you're reading this, please email me.