Oh, love. Tragic, twisted, self-involved love.
In high school, I dated a stoner. He was my first boyfriend, and he gave me my first taste of the beautiful, sprawling, glittering world of Netflix.
Said boyfriend was average. But he let me use his Netflix.
When I wasn’t wasting my time with said stoner, I was using his Netflix. My addiction to "Scrubs" was one part obsession with nice Jewish Zach Braff, one part passion for quoting one-liners and one part love for the "Scrubs" playlist on my iPod.
But, as tragic, high school love so often does, it ended. A deep devastation began to rip through every fiber of my being: Does this mean no more Netflix?
Were my countless nights of single-camera slapstick a waste? Did I come this far just to quit? There was no telling what treacherous things I would do to cope with the breakup between myself and my precious Netflix.
I brought it up slowly, as if it were a sweatshirt I wanted to keep and sleep in for weeks before reluctantly returning it.
It’s a careful subject, Netflix. We deduced somehow that I could continue to use his Netflix as long as I didn’t watch porn. As if Netflix has porn. Please.
That being said, I flew under the radar of using my ex’s Netflix by following these six simple steps:
1. For the love of God, do not change the password.
I’ve prided myself on avoiding the “Hello, my name is Psycho Ex-Girlfriend” sticker on every first date. And changing your ex’s password buys you a lifetime supply of “Hello my name is…” stickers.
Don’t cause yourself unnecessary trouble.
Changing your ex’s password is one of the most evil, corrupt and vile things you can do. No matter how tragic the breakup, your ex doesn’t deserve a life without Netflix.
2. Be cool in what you watch.
Viewing history is such a great and terrible beauty. And you better know your ex is using said beauty to stalk the hell out of you.
You know what? Scratch that and watch whatever you want. You deserve to be a free-range ex.
The foreign film your ex refused to watch now has English subtitles, so this is your time to shine.
3. Don’t be ashamed about how much Netflix you’re actually watching.
Breakups are a magical, spiritual time for you to binge-watch whatever you want.
Meditate, chant and show off your binge-watching skills by flooding their viewing history with episodes of "Bob’s Burgers." No one is judging you.
4. Don’t be alarmed by what they want to watch.
Sure, they might be watching "Blue Is The Warmest Color" for all the wrong reasons, but it’s their Netflix.
This gives you a chance to take advantage of the beauty of viewing history and see what ridiculous shows they wouldn’t 'fess up to watching while you were together.
You will be both surprised and entertained.
5. You’re not going to be forced to justify anything you watch.
Watch "High School Musical"... with the sing-a-long. Watch World War II documentaries. (I recommend "The Rape of Europa.") Hell, watch "Footloose" and dance along in your underwear.
You don’t owe anyone any explanations.
6. If they ask you to stop, stop.
Refer to the first guideline.
Being on good terms with an ex is not a luxury one can easily afford. They probably have moronic reasons to ask you to stop using their Netflix, but I say, respect on. And thank them for their precious gift to you.
Next, before you start dating someone new, invest in a Netflix account.