Litchfield Superlatives: 12 Ways To Describe The Cast Of 'OITNB'


It’s time to pull out your orange jumpsuit and put your phone on 'Do Not Disturb' because "Orange is the New Black" is back for season three.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll be binge watching the show from the moment it’s released until you can no longer see straight.

What is it about the show that has us all hooked?

From its amazing cast of wild characters to its multiple intense plot lines, somehow, we all see a little bit of ourselves in the girls who inhabit Litchfield Correctional Facility.

The girls in "OITNB" are not only tough, they’re also insightful, intelligent and come from a place of soul.

Whether they’re locked up because they were heartbroken over a lover’s rejection, needed money to help raise a family or stood up for themselves when times got rough, they all have twisted stories to tell.

But, don’t we all? That’s what makes the show so damn good: Every woman at Litchfield has a story, and every viewer has his or her own story, too.

With season three on the edge of premiere, the girls are coming back better and stronger than ever.

Most of the time, I wish I knew some of these characters in real life. They are the ultimate group representing female empowerment.

Most Likely to Overthrow Her Boss: Red

Red may have a temper problem, and she may have punched a mafia member's wife square in the fake boob, but she knows how to run a business.

Because of that, she’ll always be the ultimate #GirlBoss. She doesn’t let anyone, not even a group of tough Latinas, stand in her way.

Best Wing Woman: Poussey

If there’s one thing we know about Poussey, it’s that she’s loyal.

When the going got tough, Poussey never ran away. She also always tries to bring out the best in her friends at Litchfield, trying to stray them away from smuggling contraband and such.

We also know she has a heart of gold, after learning she got transferred back to the United States from Germany when her father’s army leader found out she was dating his daughter. We feel you, Poussey.

Best Person to Cheer You Up After a Bad Breakup: Lorna Morello

We all assumed for so long that Lorna had a wonderful, caring man on the outside, waiting to take her hand in marriage.

But, we found out last season that Christopher was the victim of Morello's hardcore stalker addiction. Her delusions about their relationship and her ultimate sense of positivity could make anyone feel better after getting dumped.

She's also be the best sidekick to help plant an explosive in your ex’s car.

Biggest Drama Queen: Piper

Piper always seems to think the the world is out to get her because she was the newest to enter the world at Litchfield. She spent the first season seeking out special treatment, but having finally found her way, she still brings the girl-next-door drama to a prison of hard knocks.

In seasons one and two, Pipes also tried to rally up the girls to fight back against the guards, which, in prison, will always backfire.

Biggest Flirt: Alex

Alex Vause was the likely reason Piper landed behind bars, and she also seduced young Piper into falling in love with her.

Her charm and seduction skills weighed heavily on Piper, even after she was engaged to her fiancé upon entering prison.

Watch out, ladies; Alex spits game and she spits it well.

Best Hair: Sophia

This should not come as a shock; Sophia has it going on in all departments of beauty.

As the resident beauty parlor queen at Litchfield, Sophia always looks the best. While coming out as a transgender woman to her son, Michael, was difficult for her, Sophia has come into her own and embraced her feminism within the four walls at Litchfield.

Slay, Sophia, slay!

Best Person to Rob a Bank With: Rosa

Miss Rosa may be dying from cancer, but we found out last season she ended up behind bars from years of many successful bank robberies.

She’s tough, quiet and knows how to get the job done. If we were going to rob a bank, it’s a no-brainer that Rosa would be our getaway driver.

Best Dancer: Taystee

Taystee knows how to break it down; we’ve seen many times throughout seasons one and two that she loves to shake what her momma gave her.

When she’s rolling with Poussey and her crew, there’s no stopping Taystee when the music starts bumping.

Class Clown: Black Cindy

Black Cindy is always making us laugh along with Taystee. The two crack the best jokes, have the best one-liners and always know how to lighten up a mood.

Even before Litchfield, when Cindy worked in airport security, she was taking the hot guys aside to do full-body inspections, and doing it well! What’s funnier than a woman who’s proud of who she is and wants to make everyone else around her laugh?

Best Nickname: Crazy Eyes

Suzanne, aka "Crazy Eyes," may have the most animated eyes at Litchfield, but she also has a heart of gold.

Suzanne is pretty smart, but has established a bad rep for being so hard on herself (see: hitting herself in the head and getting a crazy look in her eyes) as a result of a tough childhood and never fitting in with what was considered "normal."

Out of all the girls, though, Crazy Eyes takes the “pie” for best nickname.

Best Couple: Daya and John

Everyone loves a forbidden love, which is why the "Romeo and Juliet" narrative will live in storylines for decades to come.

When Daya Diaz falls in love with Officer John Bennett, we can’t help but root for them. Two of the most seemingly innocent characters on the show, Daya and Bennett fall even deeper into their sordid love affair when we find out she’s pregnant with his baby.

Against all preconceived morals, however, we're still on their side.

Best Sense of Humor: Nicky

Nicky Nichols has a way with sarcasm and humor, especially when circumstances are too serious to handle.

It may act as a suit of armor to help her cope through the hardships, especially in prison, but when Nichols is on screen, there are laughs to be had.