I Made My Own Fantasy Bra For $25 In Honor Of The VS Fashion Show (Photos)
Guys, it's time. The day has arrived.
Many people eagerly await the end of the year for an assortment of reasons, whether it's Christmas movies, gingerbread making, winter wonderlands of snow or New Year's celebrations.
Those are all really special times, but nothing screams "happy holidays" more to me than curling up with buckets of chicken wings and tubs of Ben & Jerry's to snack on while watching the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show.
I'm dead serious, this sh*t is my world.
Several of my friends hate the fashion show but watch with their hands over their eyes like a horror movie, poking at their stomachs and crying off their mascara. Nah, that's not me.
I stare at that screen like it's the last goddamn bit of TV I'll ever watch in my life. I take it all in, bop my head to the music and stare at their perfectly chiseled physiques.
To be honest, I see bits of myself in these women if, you know, I'm a few beers deep and squint really, really hard.
Yeah, Adriana Lima is so me.
This year, Lily Aldridge will be wearing the new $2 million fantasy bra. That bra is worth more than my entire life. Think about how many buckets of wings you could buy with $2 million. F*ck, that's a lot of wings.
Lily revealed the bra about a month ago on the Victoria's Secret Instagram. She shook her little hips and said to the camera, "I gotta say, I just feel like $2 million!"
Aw, what a precious moment. I'm really happy for you, Lily Aldridge, but um, I want to look like $2 million, too.
So, here we are. Let me give you a bit more background info to really set the scene. I'm a 22-year-old recent college graduate working in NYC, broke AF. Sometimes I even have to pay the $1 hot dog man on the street in quarters. Yeah, welcome to my life.
I know many of you Millennials are in the same boat as me, doing everything you can to stay afloat and not drown in your own tears. I feel you.
I also know many of you want to feel as sexy and confident as the Victoria's Secret models who will be prancing around in their undies all night long. Yes, I got you. I hear your cry.
Therefore, I have decided to put my life and soul into recreating the Victoria's Secret $2 million fantasy bra for only $25. Twenty-five f*cking dollars. It's the bargain of a lifetime. All I gotta say is, you're welcome.
Here's the $2 million bra up-close on a mannequin so you can really see the details. Now close your eyes and picture this magical breastwork of Jesus on you.
Are you in love yet? Perfect. Let's make it happen. I replicated every single gem, down to the little, tiny ones embroidered onto the straps. And right now I'm going to share with you how I did it.
Step 1: Buy your high-quality materials.
Go to your local T.J. Maxx and search the lingerie aisles for a grey bra even if it's not in your size (we can't be super picky, OK?). The color is all that matters, so if you can't find a grey bra you may as well give up now.
Then go to a craft store and buy some glittery pipe cleaners, some strings of pearls and an assortment of colored gems. If you are having trouble finding these items just show this pic to the cashier. I bet she's a V nice lady and can help you.
Step 2: Stare at Lily Aldridge and glue the pipe cleaners to the bra.
Ideally, you want to fit nine pipe cleaners on each breast cup. If you run out of room, just add as many as you can fit. You'll need to make sure some of the ends of the pipe cleaners are hanging off the top of the bra and sticking out into the air. This should be pretty self-explanatory, so I won't get too into it.
If you suck at glueing or your glue is broken, you can staple your pipe cleaners down. Just don't tell anyone you did that because it sounds cheap and you're better than that.
Step 3: Glue a big, black bead in-between the cups.
It has to be black, no exceptions. Do you want to look like $2 million or not?
Step 4: Glue on the colored beads in-between the pipe cleaners wherever you feel is right.
You can have a bit of creative freedom here, just don't f*ck this up. Try to make the lines as straight as possible and use all of the colors.
The glue may leave a permanent mark on the bra, but no one will notice... or if they do, they'll just think it's boob sweat. Not a big deal.
Step 5: Put the bra on the floor and admire it for a quick sec.
You just made a $2 million bra for only $25! You deserve a pat on the back and some goddamn chicken wings.
Step 6: Put the bra on you.
Your nipples may feel like they're bleeding from the staples, but pain is beauty and beauty is pain. Modeling is hard, but I know you're strong enough to do it.
Step 7: Wear it out but keep an eye on your breasts in case of allergic reaction/rash.
Just peer down every two to three minutes to make sure there's no swelling. Your girls are worth 2 million bucks now, treat them like it.
If you do have irritation of some sort, feel free to stuff your bra with tissues for comfort. This will also help add a cup size so it's a two-for-one deal.
If you follow these exact steps, you too will look just like Lily Aldridge. It's honestly hard to tell which of us is wearing the real $2 million bra at this point, we look freaking identical.
Be sure to watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion show tonight 10:00-11:00 pm, ET/PT, on the CBS Television Network.
God bless the fantasy bra, and God bless chicken wings.