8 Things 'Love Actually' Seriously Needs To Explain Right Now
It's that time of year where we break out the old Christmas DVDs, warm ourselves some hot chocolate and camp out on the couch.
One of those infamous Christmas movies we always return to is the beloved story-weaving "Love Actually," because, Hugh Grant dancing alone in his mansion.
But recently I realized that "Love Actually" harbors some dark mysteries and confusing plot twists that the magic of Christmas previously blinded me to.
But not anymore.
In the name of Christmas (because Christmas is when you tell the truth), and for the sake of audiences everywhere, here are eight things "Love Actually" needs to explain right now:
1. The glitter in Sam's hands.
HAS ANYONE ELSE NOTICED THIS? When Sam gets picked up and twirled in the air, glitter falls from his hands.
Seriously, what is going on here?
This isn't even a good excuse for a low-budget special effect; it appears that what happened is someone said, “Hey, maybe no one will notice if we give this kid handfuls of glitter to sneakily sprinkle around.”
Well we did notice, "Love Actually," and we are confused.
2. These devil horns.
Why is she wearing devil horns on Christmas? Is this some campy allusion to the fact that she is sent from hell to destroy Emma Thompson's marriage?
Or is this some strange British Christmas tradition?
Either way, no one else appears to be wearing a costume. Is this woman mentally insane and no one has noticed because she is so beautiful?
Is her beauty masking some sort of crazed personality not unlike Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction?"
3. Keira Knightley's wedding dress.
Whoever decided to dress the gorgeous Keira Knightly in this translucent swan monstrosity is surely the same person who gave that other poor woman devil horns and thought no one would notice.
4. How Laura Linney got to hook up with this guy.
No offense to Laura Linney, but she is surely the frumpiest person depicted in this film besides Emma Thompson.
And yet somehow she ends up with this piece of man cake and then doesn't even want him. All Karl wants to do is take care of you with his chiseled abs and dark, sultry eyes. And you took it for granted, Laura.
You took it for granted and you let down the women of the Christmas rom-com watching world.
5. The airport.
So Sam runs for like 15 minutes through the airport hoping to catch up with his one true love, Joanna, before she boards the plane to America forever.
Sam has to run through all this security and shops and this really long hallway, and it seriously takes forever. And then the security guards eventually walk him back to his stepfather and Sam's all, “Totes, man. I totes sealed the deal.”
And then little Mariah Carey aka Joanna comes out of nowhere and runs up to him and it took her like ten seconds to run back through that entire airport maze.
Is she some sort of dark arts wizard who can apparate and disapparate at will? Is she somehow in cahoots with Alan Rickman?
6. Colin Firth's relationship with his beautiful housekeeper.
While I love a good romance that involves jumping adorably into a lake together, I can't quite wrap my head around how two people who never actually had a full conversation with each other managed to fall in love and get married.
Like, what happened after they got married and realized, “Oh, hey, I only learned enough of your language to profess my love but not enough to ask you any questions about, oh I don't know, if you want kids or not?”
7. The hidden gem of Chiwetel Ejiofor.
"Love Actually," how did you do it?
How did you know the world would eventually discover Chiwetel Ejiofor, so you scooped him up for yourself so you could claim his as your own?
Then you promptly gave him approximately five lines, which was unfortunate. Also Andrew Lincoln, pre-Rick Grimes badass-ness.
8. The general portrayal of Americans.
Other than Laura Linney, who apparently has no interest in sex even when it's packaged so nicely, "Love Actually" clearly believes Americans are generally insatiable horn-dogs.
The American president is just kind of a shady dude who fancies Natalie's “tree trunk” thighs, and then the girls Colin meets in the bar are like, the definition of thirsty.
To be fair, it is difficult to resist a British accent. Maybe "Love Actually" wasn't too far off with this one.