Since I was a kid, I've always been one of those lost, little creatures who feverishly reads about the zodiac. I'm just a girl looking for answers in this cruel, confusing world. I'm also wildly vain, and vain people love the zodiac because we just want to read ABOUT US, you know?
I thought it was just me and my new-age narcissism that made me zodiac-obsessed, and then I started dating other women. Lesbians love the zodiac. In fact, I don't think I've ever been on a first date with a woman who didn't ask me what my sign was before the first drink was ordered. We're just all about the stars, baby. Tell me your sign. Talk dirty to me.
The good news in gay-land is that there are many, MANY more hot queer girl celebrities than ever. I've never been that into celebrities, and I always thought it was because I'm, like, "above" all that shit, but really it's just because their were no celesbians when I was growing up.
Now, there are celesbians popping up left and right. I wouldn't be surprised if Taylor Swift came out tomorrow. Everyone is queer these days, and I'm all about it. The more options the better, honey!
So today, I mixed my two fave things for YOU: the zodiac and queer girl celebrities. Here is the perfect lesbian celebrity crush for your zodiac sign.
You're welcome. After a heavy week, you deserve to indulge in this, darling.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Rachel Maddow
My lovely little Aquarius creatures, you are attracted to brains. You need to be stimulated intellectually in order to be stimulated sexually. Which is WHY the smart and stunning political commentator extraordinaire, Rachel Maddow, is the perfect lesbian crush for conversation-hungry YOU.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Kristen Stewart
You're a incredibly sensitive and passionate woman, so you need a sensitive, passionate actress with a large well of feelings from which to draw from. This makes the incredibly soulful, angst-ridden, talented queer girl actress, Kristen Stewart, the perfect lesbian crush for YOU.
Aries (March 21 - April 19): Ruby Rose
Aries are gorgeously sexual creatures who need to be seduced by a swag sexpot. Which lesbian oozes unapologetic sex appeal like our icon Ruby Rose? No one, babe. No one.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20): Angelina Jolie
A Taurus is a sensual creature who needs to be stimulated in all areas. What's more deeply sensual than the soft, pillowy lips of the gorgeous Angelina Jolie? Plus, she's stubborn and opinionated and deeply loving, all things that a bull-headed vixen needs in a woman.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20): Halsey
Gemini are easily bored. They need a wildly fascinating, adventurous and passionate lover. In short, you need a musician, but not an overtly poppy happy-go-lucky musician, but a madly complex, soulful musician who feels every feeling possible. Halsey is your girl, my twin creature.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22): Miley Cyrus
You're extremely cautious and sensitive, my Cancer babe, but you're also incredibly erotic. Which is exactly why you need an outspoken vixen who will pursue YOU. Miley Cyrus isn't shy about anything, and she will most definitely swoop in and shake up your cautious life. Which is exactly what you like, isn't it?
Leo (July 23 - August 22): Cara Delevingne
A Leo needs a wild, beautiful woman to keep them in check. Leos like to dominate, but you know what turns you on, my little lion? Someone who can out-dominate you. And we all know no one in the world is more fun, attention-seeking and lime-light-attracting than supermodel Cara. She will give you a run for your money that will infuriate you and turn you the fuck on at the same time.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22): Suze Orman
Virgos like EVERYTHING TO BE UNDER CONTROL. Virgos love routine and stability more than anything in the world. Which makes my personal celebrity lesbian crush, Suze Orman, the perfect woman for you! Her credit score is immaculate, and you know that's exactly what you like, my Virgo darling.
Libra (September 23 - October 22): Samira Wiley
A Libra loves a deep and attentive listener. I don't personally know Samira, but don't you just want to pour your heart out to her? Something about her energy feels very safe and trusting, which is perfect for your massive, teeming-with-love Libra heart.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): Michelle Rodriguez
We all know Scorpios are the most overtly sexual signs in the zodiac. You need a woman who can keep up with your sexual prowess. And actress Michelle Rodriguez is one hyper-sexual woman who will keep you interested by being wildly dominating and powerful. She will also challenge your intellect, and I know you're into that, baby.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): Samantha Ronson
No one craves wild adventure like a free-spirited Sagittarius. Which is why a LESBIAN DJ is the perfect girl for you! DJs are constantly traveling, and can get into every cool bar and club across the world. One night, you're in IBIZA; the next, NEW YORK. Sounds like the lifestyle for you!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Tig Notaro
My Capricorns need humor to be sexually attracted to someone. But since you're so incredibly intelligent yourself, cheap humor just won't do. Which is why you need the comedic genius Tig Notaro. Thank God she plays for our team. She's one I just wouldn't want to give up to the basic straights!