Unless you live under a rock, you know "Full House" is back with "Fuller House," and it's all anyone's talking about these days.
I've gotta be honest with you here -- I've never been the biggest "Full House" fan. To me, "Full House" is like chicken noodle soup. I don't love chicken noodle soup. It doesn't excite my palette, and I don't often find myself craving it. But when I'm sick and I just need something to make me feel good and cozy and happy, well, chicken noodle soup is just the thing.
As far as I'm concerned, "Full House" is the chicken noodle soup of TV shows. First of all, it's based in San Francisco, and you know what? I'M from San Francisco!
Also, I grew up watching the everyday trials and tribulations of the Tanner family. And the best part of the Tanner household? THE CATCHPHRASES. Seriously, has any sitcom in the history of television ever had so many catchphrases?
That show just had so many golden ones. I may not be reminiscing about "Full House" episodes on the reg, but it just takes one single "Oh, baby!" or "You got it dude!" to get me right back to my happy place.
This got me thinking: I wonder if I could carry on an entire conversation using solely "Full House" catchphrases? And where better to conduct this social experiment than the depths of the cyber-dating world? So I re-downloaded Tinder and got crack-a-lacking.
Spoiler alert: Somehow, no one caught on to what I was doing.
This guy accused me of being a robot.
This man's tagline read: "All my friends are dogs." I decided to roll with that for my opener:
He unmatched me shortly after this exchange. I wonder why.
This guy was smitten by my Uncle Jesse charm.
Decided to lure this guy in with an Uncle Jesse classic: "Have mercy!"
Then I told him to GTFO with an Uncle Joey "Cut it out!"
This guy didn't seem to mind that I was speaking nonsense.
"Have mercy" was workin' for me, so I used it again. SUE ME.
Riveting conversation, I know.
This guy was so into my hard-to-get vibe.
I thought I'd intrigue him right off the bat with a good old fashioned, "You're in big trouble, mister!"
Then I got bored and stopped responding to him. Like, why did he care so much why he was in trouble?
This guy was just the living worst.
Everybody has a pet peeve. Mine just happens to be people like this man, whose bio read: "Investment banker. Will take you shopping." I hate him. Repulsive. Time to call this douche out, "Full House"-style.
Yeah, that's right. I told him to pin a rose on his nose. For those of you who DON'T know, that's Stephanie Tanner for "f*ck you."
This guy was just not willing to give up on me.
If there is any lesson I learned here, it's that you do NOT have to make any sort of sense at all to maintain the attention of certain men.
Yep, this guy double-messaged me. I PULL.
And this guy was really tall.
The whole "have mercy" thing seemed to be going pretty well, so I decided to give it another go with this fellow.
Then I called him a nerdbomber (classic DJ and Kimmy diss).
This guy just wanted to chat about our heritage.
His bio said he was from Italy, so I decided to roll with it with a little Uncle Joey flair.
THEN I got to say that I'm from San Francisco, which was awesome because I actually am from there, and also "Full House" actually is based there, so I wasn't even technically cheating.
Also, I got to use "Capiche?" Uncle Jesse used this all the time. That's gotta be Italian, right?
This guy really challenged me to a gamble.
I had been really looking out for the perfect time to use an Uncle Jesse "Watch the hair!" reference, and when I spotted this guy with his wavy blond locks, I knew I had found my target.
It was a definite gamble, you guys. He pulled out the chemo card and I panicked. But part of me just KNEW he was bluffing, and BOY OH BOY was I right! This guy won as far as I'm concerned. He was the real MVP.
Anyway, if your dating-app game is weak, apparently guys are pretty into "Full House" catchphrases (whether they realize you're using them or not) because they actually WORKED. Despite the fact that I was essentially speaking gibberish, most of these guys were desperate interested enough to keep the conversation going. Such nerdbombers.