If I had a penny for every time I got blasted in the face with whale semen, I'd have $0.03.
Wait, no. That's not true at all. Uh, where was I?
Amy Schumer stars in the newest trailer for "Snatched," and the red band preview begins with a breakup with her musician boyfriend.
But wait a second. They had plans to go to South America (not a specific country, just the entire continent)!
Enter Amy Schumer's mom Goldie Hawn, who hasn't done anything fun in decades. Her character, not Goldie. I'd never go after Goldie like that.
As soon as they get to their resort, Goldie takes a big gulp of whale semen at the concierge's desk and spits it all over Amy's face.
Just kidding! In fact, Goldie mishears the concierge, who says, "Welcome." She mistakenly thinks he's said "whale cum."
But nope! It's just milk... grade A, 2-percent, non-whale-ejaculated milk. Wait, have my friends been saying "you're whale cum" after I do them favors?
Eventually, Amy starts talking with a local guy and sparks fly, but -- uh oh -- he catches her in the mirror wiping her vagina. Hey, at least she's not covered in the sperm of a whale, right?
Then, Amy and Goldie get kidnapped by some local criminals.
They're like, "Why did you come to South America?" And Amy's like, "For the cultural experience." One thing's for sure: It's not for the whale semen.
Pretty soon, someone's punching through their window! Like, could he not find a rock? What kind of health care does he have that he can afford to slam his arm through glass like the goddamn Terminator?
I know South America is BOOMING from the whale semen industry, but still!
All in all, it's a pretty hilarious trailer for what seems will be a funny movie.
You can see "Snatched," which is not the sequel to "Snatch," in theaters on May 12, 2017.