Although "Fifty Shades of Grey" hauled in a whopping $237.7 million over its opening weekend, it received a harsh Rotten Tomatoes rating of 26 percent.
Clearly, everyone went to see it, but for most, the one time was enough.
If you spent your Valentine's Day catching a debut showing of the much-anticipated film, I’m very sorry.
I have nothing bad to say about the actors who played Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele (Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson), but the “mommy-porn” bestseller simply did not translate into a successful movie script.
I don’t think any director or set of actors could’ve pulled it off.
What resulted was more like 50 moments of secondhand embarrassment, during which a number of people, at least in my theater, couldn’t stop laughing (this was supposed to be a drama, not a comedy).
Several viewers even made a beeline for the exit mid-film.
The following 50 moments were deservingly cringe-worthy:
1. Ana’s hairy legs
2. Ana’s bush
3. Ana’s granny panties
4. Christian’s lingo: “Laters, baby.” (???)
5. When Christian lends Ana a pencil and she rubs the tip against her lip
6. Ana’s outfit during the interview scene
7. Everything about the interview scene
8. The hardware store scene when Christian asks Ana to sell him rope, cable ties and masking tape
9. The fisting references
10. After Ana first meets Christian and exits the building, throwing her head back into the rain because she’s so in lust
11. Every scene where they speak each other’s names right as the elevator doors are closing
12. Christian and Ana’s talk on the graduation stage
13. The spanking/flogging
14. The belt-whipping scene at the end
15. When Ana makes Christian breakfast and is dancing in her underwear
16. The bathtub scene
17. The peacock feather thing Christian uses to trace all over Ana’s body
18. When Christian takes a bite of the toast halfway out of Ana’s mouth
19. When Christian and Ana have a business meeting in mood lighting
20. When Ana says she has to go to her job at the hardware store
21. “Are you going to make love to me now?”
22. “I don’t make love. I f*ck...hard.”
23. “What is a butt plug?”
24. When Christian creepily appears out of nowhere, all the time
25. When Christian talks to Ana while she’s sleeping
26. When Christian and Ana slow dance to Frank Sinatra after he takes her v-card
27. Ana’s flip phone
28. When Ana asks for the money back for the car Christian sold without asking her
29. When they fight about the contract
30. When Christian breaks into Ana’s apartment and it’s supposed to be hot, not creepy
31. When Christian tells Ana she’s not the woman for him after one cup of coffee
32. The fact that Christian has a locked sex/torture chamber in his penthouse apartment, which he calls “The Red Room of Pain”
33. When Christian and Ana walk to the Red Room of Pain holding hands
34. When Ana’s roommate takes her sandwich
35. When Ana’s mom doesn’t go to her graduation
36. When Ana’s coworker at the hardware store squeezes her shoulders while she’s ringing up Christian
37. When Ana gets drunk and pukes next to Christian
38. When Christian buys Ana new, sluttier clothes because she puked all over hers
39. The unexplained welts on Christian’s chest
40. When Christian gets furious at Ana for having more than one drink
41. Ana and Christian’s extremely awkward picture together in the newspaper
42. When Ana is wasted and talks to the girl next to her in the bathroom line at the bar
43. When José tells Ana he likes her
44. How Ana’s nipples were hard during the entire movie
45. How the movie was basically soft-core porn
46. When Christian tells Ana to Google “submissive”
47. The images that appear when Ana Google searches “submissive”
48. When Christian sets up a gyno appointment for Ana so she can go on birth control
49. When Christian braids Ana’s hair and forces her to kneel in the corner
50. When Christian carries Ana out of the Red Room of Pain like a wounded animal after they have sex
To sum up this film, really, F*ck Jerry said it right:
"'Fifty Shades of Grey' Drinking Game: Drink 40 shots of vodka upon entering the theater so you can die before the movie starts."