It’s Sunday night – around, like, 8:47 pm: probably the loneliest time of the week for a guy like me.
I flip through my Twitter feed, as I dab some chicken parmigiana off my face, and I can’t help but feel a little bit like Rudolph.
Not for the shmutz of marinara sauce currently making my nose red – but because I, like Rudolph, find myself left out of the proverbial “reindeer games.”
From the looks of it, everyone seems to be primed for a big night of television. Can’t say that I’m not either – albeit they’re not preparing for the new episode of “All Star Academy” on Food Network, like myself.
Oh, no, they’re focusing on something bigger – something cooler.
It’s not that I don’t know what that “something” is, either. Lord knows I’m fully aware that seemingly the rest of the world is bracing itself for this week’s episode of "Game of Thrones." It’s just that, personally, I don’t really give a f*ck.
Look, here’s the deal. I respect "Game of Thrones" – from what I’ve heard, it’s written super well, and there’s a flurry of sex scenes – but, I don’t know, the whole medieval thing just isn’t for me.
And I might be missing out on a great thing. I mean, hey, a 9.5 on IMDb surely isn’t something to just breeze past while flipping through channels.
But, still, 65 minutes of people in full suits of armor –speaking in f*cking Olde English – doesn’t really sound like my cup of tea.
Fact is, I like watching things I can relate to – or at the very least – act like I can relate to them.
Take “The Wire,” for instance. Granted, I’m not really from the “hood,” by any stretch of the imagination, but still, I can bump some Naughty By Nature and get the gist of what the Barksdale crew was dealing with.
The same can’t be said for "Game of Thrones." No matter how hard I try, I just can’t get into the whole “Thrones” mindset.
It’s waaaay too serious, anyway. Like, come on people, it’s Sunday night – it shouldn’t be the most stressful time of the week – we have to work tomorrow.
Still, those like myself, who dare to be different – and choose to ignore the existence of "Game of Thrones" – can probably attest to a whole slew of hardships they face in the process.
So, without further ado, here are the eight struggles only people who have never seen an episode of GoT can relate to.
1. People telling you to "catch up" and watch.
I love when my friends are like, “Oh, Scotti, you should just catch up and watch!”
CATCH UP AND WATCH WITH YOU!??!? There are like 54 f*cking episodes – all about an hour in length. What am I going to do, take the next three weeks off from work and “catch up”? I barely have enough free time in my days to shower as is.
2. Everyone is utterly appalled you don't watch.
The best is the response you get when you tell people you don’t watch "Game of Thrones": that look in their face – it’s as if they lost any modicum of respect they might have once had for your opinion on just about everything.
“Wow, you mean you don’t watch 'Thrones'? You must have horrible taste.” Which you might – but it also has nothing to do with the fact that you don’t watching "Game of f*cking Thrones" on Sunday nights.
3. Social Media is maaaad annoying on Sunday.
Yeah, good luck going on any platform of social media on a Sunday during "Game of Thrones" season.
Instagram will be flooded with memes you won’t understand. Facebook will be jampacked with statuses boasting “Thrones Day.”
Twitter will be a ticking time bomb – full of #GoT hashtags – until 9 pm, when the show actually starts.
The only thing worse than the pre-"Thrones" explosion of banter is the episode's aftermath, which pretty much lingers on social media until about mid week.
4. You can’t just casually watch a random episode.
Unlike shows like “Always Sunny” or “Seinfeld,” you can’t just sit down and enjoy an episode of "Game of Thrones" out of the blue, so to speak, without having seen any episodes prior.
Nope, not with the 15 different storylines that are interweaving at any given point during a regular episode of "Thrones."
It’s like the furthest thing from a show you can just chill and watch. I mean, I feel like I’d have to pop a Vyvanse just to have a chance at understanding all the different sh*t that’s going down.
5. None of your friends are around on Sunday night.
You might as well have Ebola on Sunday nights if you don’t watch "Thrones" – because none of your friends will care to be within a 5-mile radius of you past 8:30 pm.
They’ll all be too busy congregating with the rest of the "Thrones-watching world" while you’re not even deemed worthy enough to be invited where they’re going.
6. You don’t understand what anyone is talking about, come Monday morning.
I suppose this is how non-football fans feel during the fall, when everyone’s recapping his or her fantasy weeks at the water cooler on Monday mornings.
During "Thrones" season, however, it’s a lot more annoying because people will sound like they’re speaking an entirely different language.
“Oh my God, Lannister and Targaryen are running amuck in the Forest of Qohor. I hope that the unsullied Valyrian is OK!” Like, you don't expect me to know what the f*ck that means... do you?
7. Halloween becomes harder...
Man, if I watched "Thrones," Halloween would be infinitely easier. It’s like a hall pass for dressing up in embarrassing things during that time of year.
Not to mention, there are enough costume-worthy characters in one episode of "GoT" to provide inspiration for the next 40 years of Halloween.
And everyone finds these costumes cool, too, for whatever reason *sigh.* Guess I’ll just have to put some thought into my costume for the foreseeable future – which blows.
8. ...And first dates become even harder.
The only real reason I wish I watched "Game of Thrones" was to have some conversational material on deck for first dates.
Let’s be real here, when you’re out to dinner with a chick for the first time, finding something to converse about can feel like pulling teeth.
When you’re an avid "Thrones-watcher," however, you can always delve into your bag of tricks and find some talking points from last week’s episode. This immediately puts anyone who doesn’t watch at a disadvantage, such as myself.
So, yeah, for now I’m just going to blame being single on not watching "Thrones."