"I love going on first dates!" — said no one ever.
When that first date takes place on national television with America's favorite bachelor, you're opening yourself up to even more judgment than you would on a blind date over coffee.
Episode three of "The Bachelor" saw the contestants — namely, Lauren B., Jubilee and Olivia — tripping in front of Bachelor Ben.
This made me feel grateful I never signed myself up for the show during a moment of weakness on a commercial break, even with Ben as the prize.
Whether it's protecting myself from soccer balls or sitting through a thoroughly awkward kiss, I shudder to be in these ladies' shoes on a first date.
Thankfully, it makes for some awfully great television.
Here are six things you never want to happen on a first date, as demonstrated by last night's episode of "The Bachelor:"
1. Ruining your 'do on what's supposed to be a romantic convertible ride.
You spend an hour on your hair before your date, scouring Pinterest and YouTube tutorials for the perfect hairstyle, only to find out that your date expects you to sit through a car ride with all the windows rolled down.
Er, it took you an hour to make your hair perfectly messy, and now it's just going to be downright messy.
"Riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car" definitely sounds better on paper or in a Taylor Swift song.
Flight attendant Lauren B. betrays the "reality" in reality television.
Fortunately, she and her blonde mane manage to survive the perilous trip up the highway, and Ben is none the wiser to her likely internal freakout.
2. Planting one on your date and getting the timing all wrong.
Your date's giving you that look, and you know it's time to lean in for the kill.
Except, oh wait, you've got a little something there.
But you've already committed to this, so you and your date try to make the smooch work anyway.
What was supposed to be your first of a lifetime of kisses with your potential SO turns out to be an awkward meeting of lips, so you can either laugh it off and play it cool.
Looks like Lauren B. and Ben did the latter and played off just how annoying those headsets were with microphones covering their lips.
Not even reality TV can make that look comfortable.
3. Skipping ahead to the "meet the parents" stage of your relationship.
One moment you're chatting about your favorite home cooked meals and your dog's weird limp, and the next thing you know, you're wondering out loud whether your date would enjoy your dad's wedge salad.
This would imply your date would be going to your house and meeting your parents.
But yeah, you totally didn't mean it that way.
There's really no great way to recover from accidentally blurting out how down you are to get to the "hometown dates" stage, when you're on a show that actually has such a thing.
But kudos to Lauren B. for admitting how awkward she made Ben's #honestyhour confession about his dad's heart condition.
4. Spitting out your date's favorite food in front of him.
Your date is stoked to see you try out his favorite dish for the first time.
You might be a little wary, but you also want to show that you're down to try new things.
So you give it a go ... and it's worse than you ever thought possible.
Jubilee — the hot dog lover to Mandi's chicken enthusiast — didn't make her distaste for caviar a secret on her one-on-one date, when she opted to elegantly spit the appetizer back into a napkin.
All I have to say is, at least she didn't fake it.
5. Drawing attention to your insecurities.
Those rose-colored lenses won't last forever, but we all want to keep the ugliest parts of ourselves hush-hush, at least until a relationship has progressed enough.
The first date is about coming across as your most confident, best self.
However, it only took Olivia three weeks — and zero one-on-one dates — to come clean to Ben about her experiences with cyberbullying and how self-conscious she is about her legs and cankles.
Putting aside how awful her timing was (Ben was reeling from the recent deaths of two people in his hometown), there was probably a better place, like, say, a private dinner, to give your date a reason to be turned off by you.
6. Having balls flying at your face.
There's no situation where balls flying toward your face would be ideal.
Least of all when you're dealing with a group of uncoordinated first-time soccer players, who are kicking at anything that would earn them solo time with the man of the hour.
Luckily, goalkeeper Emily escapes injury from wayward neon Nikes and flying soccer balls, earning her some congratulatory hugs from Mr. Perfect 10.
However, Rachel seems to have forgotten her pregame stretches and suffers from a leg cramp, which gets her some of Ben's sympathy hugs.
There are probably better ways to get your date's attention than suffering from an injury (or at least putting yourself in harm's way).
But hey, it's only the first date for girls like Lauren B. and Jubilee, so it can only get better from here, right?
Definitely not, knowing the franchise's producers.