Listen up, almost dads! Ryan Reynolds has some pretty important advice for you before that fateful trip to the birthing room -- it's called birthing room, right? Oh god, I am unprepared to father a child.
If for some reason you can't listen to the audio, here are the five things you need to know.
1) "Be in the room."
I assume the same rules apply to going to your kid's dance recitals and football games. If you don't want him/her working at a fairly low-end Sunoco/highway strip club, you should probably be there when they come into the world.
2) "Be judicious with the photographs."
One time a friend of mine showed me a picture of his wife mid-birth with a bit of the baby ground-hogging its way out of the love of his life.
This is not an important piece of history.
I doubt your history teachers include long lessons about the time Abraham Lincoln had explosive diarrhea a week before the Gettysburg Address.
3) "Your wife will never think it's charming if you tip your imaginary top hat and say 'at your cervix.'"
I'm going to go on and ahead and say this applies to saying "Labia majora? I hardly know her majora!" and also picking up the baby after it's born, holding it to your ear like a phone and going "hello? is this the police? I'd like to report a crime. Yeah, my wife was so good at giving birth to this baby it should be illegal!"
The birthing room is not the place to practice your Letterman tight five.
4) "You're the least important thing in the room."
You're arguably the least important person in the entire hospital, to be honest. I'm sure you're really important elsewhere in the world.
5) If your wife asks if everything is OK "down there" just be positive.
Your wife: "I NEED TO KNOW IF IT LOOKS OK!"