All any of us need to do to finally get to that sweet plateau of financial stability — home to the ol' Give Up And Coast Till I Die Oasis — is get a little face time in a “Captain America” movie.
After all, that's how Scarlett Johansson landed herself the title of top-grossing actor of 2016, according to Forbes.
The 32-year-old earned $1.2 billion in global ticket sales for her work in “Captain America: Civil War” and, to a lesser effect, “Hail, Caesar!”
Her “Civil War” co-stars, Chris Evans and Robert Downey Jr., tied for second place with $1.15 billion each in sales.
I know what you're thinking:
But Taylor! I do not have an A-list face! My Hollywood acting talent is muy mal! My body is a work in progress I hope to one day love for what it is, but struggle to fully accept at this point!
Same, friend, but we just need one good “Captain America” job to get us to that plateau, where we can really let it all go.
“Suicide Squad” Margot Robbie and Will Smith nabbed spots four and 10, respectively, so a critically panned "Batman" spinoff will also do the trick.
In fact, Forbes' list was (unsurprisingly) packed with superheroes and their villains:
1. Scarlett Johansson ($1.2 billion) 2 (TIE) Chris Evans ($1.15 billion) 2 (TIE) Robert Downey Jr. ($1.15 billion) 4. Margot Robbie ($1.1 billion) 5. Amy Adams ($1.04 billion) 6. Ben Affleck ($1.02 billion) 7. Henry Cavill ($870 million) 8. Ryan Reynolds ($820 million) 9. Felicity Jones ($805 million) 10. Will Smith ($775 million)
Ryan Reynolds' "Deadpool" earned him the number eight spot, nestled warmly between "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice" star Henry Cavill and "Rogue One" heroine Felicity Jones.
Big-budget action films have always drawn crowds, but perhaps 2016 -- a year that can easily be likened to the sensation of doing a cool split on the dance floor at a party and accidentally splitting your ass up the middle straight to your skull while your friends look on in horror, some vomiting at the sight of your two halves continuing to dance to "Starboy" -- prompted some of us to seek out a tale of good versus evil.
After a year like this one, we need all the heroes we can get, fictional or otherwise.