Someone wake Usher from his crimson silk canopy bed and blow out all his Anthropologie candles because the second coming of Justin Bieber may very well be upon us.
His name is Jacob Sartorius (of COURSE it is), he's 14 years old (of COURSE he is) and he has over 600 million loops on Vine (of COURSE he does).
Someone hand Usher his floor-length robe and tell him we're leaving in 10 for a meeting with Jacob because this is what the kids are into.
Jacob spends his time making lip sync videos in what appears to be a collection of 30,000 t-shirts his mom ironed like the saint she probably is.
She's the new Pattie Mallette! Someone give Usher his belVita and blueberries and ask him for Pattie's number. Let's set up a lunch.
Jacob has nearly a million Twitter followers hanging on his every adorable word.
In case you are feeling down, I love you and I know things will get better. — Jacob Sartorius (@jacobsartorius) September 29, 2016
I wanna get a cute puppy and name it after one of you — Jacob Sartorius (@jacobsartorius) September 27, 2016
I truly would not be anywhere without you guys. Just a kid with a guitar & a dream to do something big... Thank you all — Jacob Sartorius (@jacobsartorius) September 20, 2016
And 5.9 million Instagram followers watching his every adorable move.
He's so little and that pizza's so big! AHH!! Someone tell Usher to stop oiling his abs and come see this!!!
A massive online following is precisely what launched baby Bieber back in the day, and Jacob has reached the point where he, too, is ready to transition from an internet star to a full-blown artist whose music I pretend not to listen to because I'm a grown woman (but secretly listen to, because let's be real).
It's time we face the fact Justin Bieber is 22-years-old -- 78 in Hollywood years -- and ready to retire. Relax, Usher. We have Jacob to succeed him.