For me, fine dining growing up meant getting dressed in your church clothes, driving 40 minutes to the nearest mall and being permitted to order the finest culinary experience: an entire deep fried onion.
Imagine my surprise when I found out my celebrity #relationshipgoals, Chrissy Teigen and John Legend, also enjoy partaking in something that contains 1,520 milligrams of sodium and has brined my dead, cold heart for years.
Just last week, Chrissy send out a tweet we feel deeply in our hearts...
Personally, I have attempted to make a blooming (bloomin'?) onion at home and it... did not turn out well.
Outback Steakhouse heard Teigen's pleas and sent a few chefs out to her home to teach her and Legend how, exactly, to create a blooming onion.
Personally, I see this as a poor business practice.
If you teach a man to fish, he'll eat for one day, if you teach a man how to make a blooming onion, he'll never step foot in your restaurant again.
Teigen responded to a tweet from Outback asking them to send chefs to her home.
Honestly, if you don't have the connections, you can get an Outback chef to your home, too.
You just have to be like me. Get really drunk at the bar of an Outback Steakhouse, make eye contact with a chef when your waitress brings your empty blooming onion plate into the back, and go with your gut.
They didn't teach me how to make a fried onion with delicious dipping sauce... but they did teach me how to love.
Teigen and Legend even received custom chef coats from the chain restaurant. Unfortunately, Teigen fell asleep before she could learn how to make the beloved blooming onion.
Or, you know, it was just a ruse. I used to play this trick whenever I had to help do dishes. Sorry, ma, eff you -- I'm tired.
Regardless, Legend was awake to remember the recipe.