This morning, I woke up at 5 am and headed to Union Square's Barnes & Noble to be first in line for Amy Schumer's new book, "The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo."
At 9 am on the dot, the doors opened and fans were handed the most sacred piece of literature to ever grace the planet. It's 300+ pages of pure sex, basically.
In the candid and hilarious page-turner, Amy recounts her funniest stories, relives her greatest (and worst) memories and offers absolutely zero wisdom for her readers.
Well, that last part isn't true, but according to Amy, the book has "NO SELF-HELP INFO OR ADVICE."
LOL Amy. You could tell me to jump out of a plane and I'd do it in a heartbeat. I trust you, OK? Your words are valued more than you know.
Now, what we do get from Amy's book is a list of awful, annoying habits that piss her off.
If you're a fan of the girl and think you're her spirit animal (or whatever shit you tweet at her on the reg), then take a seat.
To be on BFF status with A-Schu, you better make sure you NEVER do any of these things.
Below, check out 12 quotes from "The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo" that sum it up perfectly.
1. Wear your hair down at the gym.
Unless you're covering horrible burn marks like that girl from 'The Craft,' pull that shit up in a ponytail.
2. Work out with your significant other.
Couples working out together are vile. You can't spend one hour apart? Also, the guy showing the submissive girl how to do everything makes me retch.
3. Stand too close to her while she's shopping.
I wish everyone was a football field away at all times, but I understand this isn't possible, so please, just give me six inches. But twelve would be great. (No penis puns here.)
4. Ever say the phrase, "I eat to live. I don't live to eat."
I wish all ten plagues upon your house.
5. Get really drunk.
I love drinking, but I almost never get fucking hammered anymore.
[That] was fucked up for me to say. I do get drunk. But still, you shouldn't.
6. Don't look up at the ceiling when you talk.
Unless a pigeon has flown onto a chandelier above my head, look down here.
7. Judge her as a sinner.
8. Talk too loud in public.
I have yelled at strangers. I will say 'shhhhh' and no one is exempt. I once shushed Vin Diesel.
9. Wear tiny jean shorts.
Grown women wearing jean shorts that are small enough to be a diaper, because I can't come close to being able to rock them. I need a denim burka at this point.
10. Bring a book to a bar.
Don't try to be mysterious and interesting. You are reading in a bar.
11. Eat "impeccably healthy."
12. Act like a prude.
We've all had to clean cum off our skin while making eye contact with ourselves in the mirror.
Be sure to buy Amy's new book on stands today!