I'm Terrified Of Commitment, But I'm In A Relationship Anyway

by Gigi Engle

We live in a time when hookups are praised and serious relationships are criticized. We’re told not to be “that girl” in relationships -- you know, the one who's overly attached.

We’re told not to ditch our friends and become completely engrossed in our romantic relationships. But half the time this isn't our fault; our friends ditch US because they're unhappy we're no longer single.

We’re all supposed to be looking for love, but we’re also conditioned to be frightened of it. We’re supposed to want a relationship, but we're trained to push it away when it comes knocking.

This constant push and pull has us in emotional twists. I want love, but I want freedom. I want romance, but I want independence. I mean, are any of us even sure about what we want anymore?

We all have an end game. But none of us know how to get there. I feel like I’m ready to embrace singledom even when I'm equally ready for marriage. How can this be true?

So, when love came knocking, I embraced it. It was scary. It still is. I vacillate between wanting to fly away and stay tethered. It’s a storm of emotion that never truly settles. It’s like being lost and found -- all in one beautifully disastrous scenario.

I’m terrified of commitment, but I’m in a relationship anyway. Yes, I may still want to run. But where would I be running to?

I’m terrified of getting hurt, but I’m not letting you go.

I don’t want to have my heart broken, but the thought of leaving you is heartbreak in and of itself. I knew going into this that I could get hurt. I wanted to resist it, but the pull was far too strong.

I wake up every day slightly on-edge and wondering where all of this is going. But I carry on and hope for the best.

I’m terrified of losing myself, but I’m giving you my heart.

I don’t want to lose my independence simply because I’m in a relationship. I don’t want to become a shallow shell of the person I once was just because I found love.

But that fear won't stop me from handing you my heart. I won’t pretend there's no apprehension. I’m scared to death, but I’m offering my heart to you because I can’t bring myself to do anything else.

I’m terrified of losing my space, but I want to move in with you.

I want to keep my freedom. At the same time, I want to share it with you. For the first time in my life, what's mine is yours. I used to be so protective of what belonged to me, and now I only want to belong to you.

I never wanted to live with anyone until I had to consider living without you. You’re my happiest hello and my saddest goodbye.

I’m terrified of getting sick of you, but I can’t imagine my life without you.

I know that spending every night together isn’t the way to keep a relationship healthy and fresh. But I can’t help myself. When we’re apart, I think only of when we can be together again.

Even when we're hanging out, I already miss you -- because I know that our time together will end. I’m afraid of burning out our fire, but I still keep on lighting it.

I’m terrified of getting too attached, but I want to spend all of my free time with you.

I don’t want to be "the girl who gets too clingy.” I maintain my friendships because I don't want to lose myself to love.

But I wonder why I’m keeping myself from you when you’re the only person I actually want to be around.

I don’t want to scare you away, but it takes every ounce of my energy not to smother you with love.

I’m terrified of becoming boring, but all I want to do is stay in with you.

More than anything else, I fear becoming irrelevant. I don’t want to be the couple that falls off the face off the earth. I don’t want to be the people who never have fun anymore -- and can be coaxed outside only for a farmers' market.

But all I want to do is snuggle you and be with you. I want to spend every minute in your arms. I fear being dull, but I just can’t help myself.

I’m terrified of being lied to, but I’m giving you all of my trust.

I want to question your every move. The world has hardened me. It's told me to add a grain of salt to everything a guy says. I’ve been told to be skeptical above all else.

I wish I could follow these rules, but I still trust you completely. I know it's foolish and crazy and will probably blow up in my face. But love makes us stupid and crazy. I trust you.

I’m terrified of settling down, but I’m tying myself to you.

The idea of getting engaged and married is horrifying and thrilling at the same time. I don’t know how to slow this down. But I don’t want to slow this down.

I’m so scared of what I’m missing, but I can’t even imagine missing out on you.

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