As a dating coach, I've spent over a decade helping hundreds of men build confidence and find success in their dating lives. Guys who suck with women fall into a few of the same categories over and over. (Sorry, but you're not a special snowflake.)
This is a good thing, however, because I've figured out the exact reasons most guys fail with women, and I know how to fix their game.
Here are the solutions I've seen work for countless of other guys:
1. You have social anxiety.
Whether this means you have anxiety speaking with women you're attracted to, or a general uneasiness in all social situations, this is one of the more common reasons guys don't succeed with women. How could you make a woman feel comfortable with you, if you don't even feel comfortable with yourself?
The fix: You need more experience meeting women and a mindset shift. When you've approached hundreds or thousands of women, you'll reach a point where it's physiologically impossible for you to feel anxiety. You can cut this time down by having the right mindset.
2. You are naturally introverted.
A misconception with a lot of dating advice is that since a lot of guys who are naturally good with women are extroverted, you need to develop that personality type to also become good with women. This isn't true.
Introverts do awesome with women when they're in a situation that allows them to show off their personalities. Ever heard of the “strong, silent type?” It's an iconic image of what an attractive man looks like. James Bond is definitely not an extrovert.
The fix: So, the problem isn't being introverted. It's either that you're a) an introvert trying to fake being extroverted, or 2) an introvert who's putting himself in the wrong social environments. If you're more of an introvert, spend more energy meeting women during daytime activities.
Spend less time at rowdy bars, unless you're practicing a specific social skill. For example, instead of getting bottles at a nightclub every weekend, host barbecues where people approach you to talk. Pretending doesn't work, so tailor your environment to your personality.
3. You don't know what you're doing.
Our society fails in teaching young men how to relate to women. They don't learn the skills needed to create the types of relationships they want with women. Growing up, guys are not taught how to cultivate and display character traits that women find attractive.
One example: Men often communicate to convey information rather than emotions, while women usually communicate to share emotions. This isn't a style of communication where most men naturally excel. Many women care about things that move them, that touch them and that make them feel something. Men like to share information and facts.
Guys who grew up without male role models, who didn't play group sports or who flew solo may not succeed with women because they simply haven't developed the social skills women respond to. They might not have any of the other problems discussed here, but when they interact with women, they just don't know what to do.
Guys who don't know what they're doing often don't have social anxiety. These guys have the opposite problem. Rather than being excessively tuned in to the thoughts of others, they're socially oblivious. This can be even more difficult to fix, since being oblivious means you're ignoring all the social feedback others provide when you interact with them. So, what should you do?
The fix: Surround yourself with mentors and learn via osmosis. It's simple, but not necessarily easy.
4. You have a boring lifestyle.
Here's some common sense that too many guys ignore: You need to be around women to be able to attract them. You need to have an interesting life in order to have women want to be a part of it. If you only get out of your house to go to work and go grocery shopping, you aren't likely to meet the kind of women you really want. If you don't think your life is exciting, then why would a woman want to be a part of it?
Your attractiveness as a man depends on the context of your life. If you live in a boring neighborhood 45 minutes outside of all the bars and clubs in your city, you're sending the message to women that you aren't connected socially. That's a huge turnoff.
The fix: Design the lifestyle you really want to live. It's no surprise that when guys start doing activities like improv, Crossfit, hosting dinner parties and day game, they passively meet women through their new lifestyles.
5. You are too risk averse.
“But what if she rejects me?”
“What if I run out of things to say?”
“But what if other guys are watching?”
These questions are just smokescreens. The real issue is, you're afraid to take a risk. You're playing to lose, instead of playing to win.
The fix: Ban “What if?” questions from your mind. Take a risk, then deal with the consequences if it goes poorly. Guess what? In social interactions, the consequences are never as drastic as your risk averse mind tells you they will be.
Getting rejected stings, but only temporarily. Feeling embarrassed is painful, but it won't make your dick fall off. You can deal with it.
6. You have bad luck with women.
No, you don't. The first rule of fight club is forget all the bullsh*t you think you know.
The fix: I've listened to guys strategize about how to succeed with women for years, and what they miss is this:
1. Don't figure out how to get a girl. Figure out how to be a man whom women want.
2. Being a social genius is more important than anything when it comes to women, social circles, companionship, fun, etc.
If I go two for 10 from the free throw line, I had bad luck. If I go two for 500 at bat in a full season of Professional Major League Baseball season, I didn't have bad luck. I was ill-prepared, and I was competing with people I was not capable of competing with. I probably walked into this MLB season with ideas about baseball that were incorrect.
You don't have bad luck with women. You performed poorly. Become the type of man whom women want by actually developing yourself as a person, and you'll never feel like you had bad luck again.